Anxiety, Grief, and Moving

These past few weeks I’ve taken a hiatus from writing because I’ve been working through a lot of stuff. It’s been quite the clusterf**K to be honest. I’ve been talking about moving back to the city I grew up in for a while now. And, that day has finally come. I’ve found a place to live, and I’m moving in one week. But, I’m quickly learning that moving has a dark side. In a short amount of time I’ve experienced fear, anxiety, and grief, and I’m doing my best to work through it.

Instead of running away from my feelings, like I used to do while I was drinking, I’m leaning in. Leaning into the pain, the sadness, the grief, and the anxiety. It’s not an easy thing to do, but thankfully I’ve got great people to walk beside me during these times.

Anxiety

My anxiety during these last few weeks has reached a new level. I used to experience situational anxiety, especially in social settings. But lately, my anxiety has been accompanied by shortness of breath, and chest pains. I’ve been having trouble sleeping too, which makes my anxiety worse. And, I’ve been experiencing derealization. You know, because the anxiety wasn’t enough to deal with already.

For those of you who don’t know what derealization is, Wikipedia explains it this way:

Derealization is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring, and depth. It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions.”

The derealization I experienced was heightened to the point where this move didn’t seem like it was real. Nothing felt real. It’s difficult to explain if you’ve never experienced it. But, I think the easiest way to explain it is, you feel like you’re dreaming, but you’re actually awake. This article, written by a person with DDD (Depersonalization Derealization Disorder) explains it so well.

While there is no cure for anxiety, or derealization, there are tools available to work through high anxiety moments. Deep breathing has been my number one go-to tool lately. My cats are also very helpful, because they keep me grounded, and help me focus on something other than my anxiety.

More tools can be found here, in this article by Lisa Zawistowski.

Grief

When you think about grief, what is the first thing that comes to mind? The death of a loved one, right? Someone you are close to, like a family member, or a friend.

Something you may not know is, grief can come from many things besides the death of a loved one. It can come from divorce, either your own or your parents. It can come through a job change. And, it can come through moving. Especially when moving involves leaving your current city, and moving to another city/ state.

Some of the many factors of grief I’ve been facing lately have been grieving the “loss” of my friends here. While it is true that I haven’t lost my friends here in the traditional sense of death, I am losing them through distance. These people that I see on a weekly basis, and have built connections with. If I want to see them after I move, I’ll have to drive an hour and a half. Something that my anxiety doesn’t allow me to do easily.

There’s also grief in replacing the known for the un-known. Currently, I know my surroundings. I know every inch of my current apartment. I know my way around the city I live in. And, I know which meetings I go to, and how to get there. What is known right now is my routine. But, in one week, that routine will go out the window, and I’ll begin a new routine. I’ll be diving into the un-known.

While diving into the un-known can be exciting, it’s also very scary too. This move is a big step out of my comfort zone. Thankfully I’ve challenged myself during my time in recovery, so this step into the un-known will not throw me too far off balance, and into a relapse.

Growing Through the Pain

While this move has brought pain, grief, and anxiety, it has also brought growth. I’m learning new tools to cope with my anxiety. I’m learning that I’m stronger than I think. And, my recovery is being strengthened as well.

I’ve learned in my short time in recovery that every challenge has an opportunity for growth, and potential. If I choose to only look at the negative aspects, then my outlook on life in general will be negative. If I choose to look for the positive aspect, then my outlook on life will be positive.

I’ve chosen to look for the positives today. Those positive aspects are: I’ll be closer to my sister and dad now; I’ll finally have an opportunity to pursue my goal of coaching people in recovery; I’m learning that I am stronger than I know; and, change can be a good thing.

I am so grateful today for my recovery. If I wasn’t in recovery today, none of this would be possible. I’m grateful for the bumps in the road, and for the fire that continues to cleanse my soul. And, I’m grateful for you dear reader, for allowing me to share my struggles with you.

Here’s to the next chapter in my life.

Mindy

Originally published at www.mysoberashes.com on March 30, 2018.