Creating Chaos
I love chaos, especially when I create it. It’s a common trait among Adult Children of Alcoholics. Growing up, I don’t think things at home were ever calm. Or, at least not calm for very long. There was always some sort of chaos at home, from my dad and sister fighting, to visiting my mom in yet another new place of residence. Change was a constant in my life, thus I lived in chaos.
As I became an adult, this penchant for creating chaos stayed with me. However, it was something I wasn’t aware of until a couple of years ago. I’ve spoken to many people in recovery who share the same need to create chaos in their lives, because that’s all they know. And oftentimes, they aren’t aware that they are creating this chaos, until someone points it out. When life is too calm, or things are going well, we create some sort of crisis, or chaos, because it’s ingrained in us. And breaking this cycle is difficult.
Awareness Is Key
The first step to breaking this cycle of creating chaos is awareness. Once I was aware of my need to create chaos, I was able to begin taking the necessary steps toward changing my ways. I’ve begun to notice that I create chaos at work when I’m bored. Or, when my life is going well.
For example, my moving plans. As some of you know, I’m working on moving back to the city I grew up in. The steps I need to take toward this goal are fairly simple: find a place to live, call the store there and talk to them about transferring jobs, and then wait until moving day arrives.
To a “normal” person, those steps are pretty straightforward. But in my head, they’re too boring. I have to mix it up, make it more complicated than it is. You know, procrastinate on calling about apartments. Procrastinate on looking at houses for sale, just in case I can’t find an apartment. Blow the whole mess into outer space, and make the process more complicated. For me, nothing can be straightforward and simple.
Make A To-Do List…
Next, after I recognize I am creating chaos, I make a to-do list, and stick to it. Sticking to the list is the key here. I can make to-do lists all day, every day. But, if I don’t stick to it, and actually take steps toward crossing items off the list, then all that work was for nothing.
I must be aware of my tendency to procrastinate here. Or, be aware of my fear and dislike of talking on the phone. Again, awareness, or mindfulness of what’s going on inside my head, and then taking steps to change.
Stop The Chaos
After I’ve become aware of a situation that I’m trying to make more difficult (i.e. — moving), and I’ve made my to-do list, I make a conscious effort to stop the chaos. Not an easy task! But, the more I practice stopping the chaos before it can get out of control, the better I get at it, and I’m able to stop the chaos process sooner.
Changing Old Scripts
Chaos doesn’t have to be a factor in your life if you don’t want it to be. Sure, I’d love to continue creating chaos every day, and continue running that old script. I’d love to say, “creating and living in chaos is all I know, so I’m going to continue on this path”. But, if I did that, I wouldn’t grow as a human. My life would stay the same, and I would continue to be miserable. I don’t want to be miserable today. I’ve spent enough time in my life being miserable, and frankly it’s not for me.
Today, I want to start writing a new script. One of growth, and new possibilities. With a little mindfulness, and action, I know I can do it, and you can too.
Here’s to taking chaos out of the equation.
Mindy
Originally published at www.mysoberashes.com on March 3, 2018.
