H.O.W. — Honest-Open-Willing

One of the many keys to recovery is in the phrase “H.O.W. it works”. First, the H — Honest; second, the O — Open-minded; third, the W — Willingness. Seems simple when you think about it, and for the most part, it is. Especially in early recovery. When you’re in those first 90 days, and you feel like you pants are on fire. You’ll do anything to stay sober because you never want to go back to your old ways.

But, as many of you may have experienced, that newness wears off. The gift of desperation leaves you, and you start to get comfortable in your routine. Your pants no longer feel like they’re on fire, and life begins to mellow out a bit. This is when H.O.W. becomes the most vital tool you have in your recovery tool box.

H — Honest

I’ve heard many people say, “honesty has always been difficult for me. I was never honest with anyone, let alone myself”. In this case, I feel they’re talking about lying — to others and themselves. However, in the case of H.O.W. it works, I feel honest means something a little bit different. Sure, lying is not a good habit to have. And breaking that habit can be even harder than quitting drinking. But, when I think of the word honest, I think of owning up. Owning up to my feelings and thoughts, and being honest with myself and others.

For example, when I first got sober, people would ask me how I was. Most of the time I would say “fine”, while inside my gut was wrenching, and I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t want to face up to my feelings, let alone tell someone else what was going on inside my head. Over time, with a lot of help from my sponsor, I learned how to be more honest with him, and myself.

Part of that was building trust in another human being. Before I met my sponsor, I didn’t feel I could trust anyone. Almost everyone in my life up to that point had taken from me, but never gave back. Or, when someone said, “how are you?”, they were just saying it out of habit. They didn’t want to hear how I was, didn’t care to hear about how I really was. Eventually I developed the habit of not telling people how I really was. If no one seems to care, why should I bother telling them?

My sponsor was the first person in recovery that truly cared about me, and my well-being. He kept his own life problems and troubles to himself in those early days, and focused solely on me. I must admit, this took a lot of getting used to, simply because I was used to being a sounding board for everyone else. But, over time, I began to see that being honest with myself, and others, was important. Facing my thoughts and feelings head on instead of pushing them away, and sharing them honestly with another human being became the foundation for my recovery.

O — Open-Minded

Open-minded is the next part of H.O.W., and may be the most important aspect.

For example, I used to call myself an alcoholic. At one point in time I thought that word meant strength, courage, and fearlessness. I took pride in calling myself an alcoholic because I felt like I was a super hero. I had made it through hell in my drinking days, and found heaven in recovery.

But then, one day, someone shared about the stigma that that word carried. Since I myself had never experienced any stigma from the word alcoholic, this was difficult for me to process. But, I allowed myself to explore the possibility that the word alcoholic did indeed carry a negative connotation, and opened my mind to more positive terminology. If my mind had been closed off, which it was in the beginning, I would have continued to carry that stigma.

Today, I try to keep an open mind to other’s viewpoints. When someone else’s opinion doesn’t mesh with mine, I consider two options. One, I take their opinion into consideration, and ask myself, “does this fit my truth?” I dig deep into why I believe what I believe. And, if I find that that truth no longer fits my life, I discard it and pick up the new opinion. Or two, if the other opinion does not fit my truth, I let it be. Meaning, I stand tall in what I believe, but I don’t try to force my truth onto the other person. I don’t try to change their mind, or force them to see things my way.

Take religion for example. I do not conform to any set religion. I consider myself a spiritual practitioner, taking little bits and pieces from everywhere — Buddhism, Christianity, Taoism, etc. If someone comes to me and says Jesus is the only way, I kindly thank them for sharing, and move on.

W — Willingness

Last, but certainly not least, is willingness. I believe willingness is the most difficult of the three, because sometimes life just sucks, and you have no motivation for anything. If I didn’t have willingness to do the things I don’t want to do, I wouldn’t be sober today.

For example, my previous sponsee. He recently “fired” me as his sponsor because he wasn’t willing to do any work to stay sober. We’ve been working together since July of last year, and I feel it’s been one step forward, two steps back the whole time. One minute he would be willing to work on his 4thStep. Next minute was the inevitable excuse. He would come to me and say, “Mindy, I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t continue drinking! I’m so tired of drinking!” And I would say, “well, do your 4thStep”, or this, or that. But he was not willing to put forth the effort.

Finally, last week, I gave him an ultimatum of sorts. I said I would give him a month to start doing some work, or I couldn’t sponsor him anymore. Instead of giving it a shot, he fired me. Said he didn’t think he had the willingness to do the work to stay sober. It broke my heart, because I hate seeing people fail. But, I also knew it was not on me to keep him sober. The only thing I can do is provide the tools to him. He has to pick them up.

Start Small

If you aren’t as Honest, Open-minded, or Willing as you’d like to be, start small. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day! Take small steps every day to be more honest with yourself and others. To be more open-minded to others beliefs and opinions. And, more willing to do those things you know are hard, or don’t want to do, but know deep down will bring you closer to your goal.

A little effort today can pay off big tomorrow. One step at a time.

Mindy

Originally published at www.mysoberashes.com on January 24, 2018.