as if i never travelled
to something new
Sitting in my flight back home as I write this
Every time I pack my bag to leave for another part of this world, I always tell myself “Man this is going to be a long trip” and yet every time I come back home the only thing I have in my mind is
“Did I even leave this place in the first place? Were all my experiences even real?”
I’ve travelled for months on end sometimes, staying away from my hometown for durations so long by the time I come back even the infrastructure is different, it seems so, always.
But in my mind, always, without fail, it feels
As if I never Travelled.
I’m writing this story, on a laptop I bought by myself, sitting in a flight I booked by myself, coming back from a trip I paid for by myself. This would have been an impossible dream for the Shubhransh of 3 months ago.
I stayed in my country’s best hotel for a night
I sponsored my friend’s trip to the beaches
I got my mom a home, my sis a laptop and a phone and my dad a phone too
Yet here I am, far to go.
I’m starting to realize, as someone who has decided to walk the road unknown to all, I must mould myself anew, an individual who is capable of surpassing his own expectations. I can’t rely on one or two things to carry me through life.
I lack strength in my character — I realize that right now.
I still am unable to deliver upon my promises, unable to keep my own words, I talk too much, I am impulsive and careless, I set out on sails without a plan (which isn’t a bad thing, but at one point something must come to a halt)
The flaws within me are countless, whether its my physical body, my mental capacity or my personality which needs a lot of shaping
However, for the first time in my life, for the first time ever
I feel confident, I feel that I can become better than what I was yesterday.
The path ahead of me is extremely lonely and desolate, not to mention scary and intense.
19 hour workdays are going to become a norm for me. Parties and socializing will become as unusual as they always were for me.
Yes, I’ve always been alone. I don’t find myself enjoying things that people my age should be enjoying, I don’t even find myself enjoying things people older than me enjoy, in fact, come to think of it, I don’t enjoy most things humans enjoy at all.
I thought as a child, I would grow out of this
But it never happened
So I built a wall around myself, it started with a simple saying
“I am not from their world”
In my mind, my lonely self created an image, I don’t belong with anyone and that’s not because other people are bad, it’s because I am just not like them. I know this has become a meme on the internet about people saying they’re extremely unique to gain attention
And maybe you might think I’m doing the same thing, I won’t deny you your opinions.
But I can’t relate to people around me, most people say they understand what I feel but how can they when their entire life circumstances are so different from mine that I have nobody to talk to about the stuff that I feel? When I can’t find people who have any shred of similarity to my situation.
I don’t have memories from school, I never went to college neither did I ever work in a job and yeah those are “boring” things
But I wanted to at least experience them, which I know I never can.
I’ve always had a dream of having a group of friends where we’re all outcasts of society
And I realize I won’t just find those people in similar sections of the world where I mostly hang out
So I will travel the world, I will find the most extraordinarily unique individuals, individuals who can’t be defined, individuals who are not “Hi my name is Jacob and I’m a software engineer at Google, I plan to build an AI Blockchain startup one day”
No, no more Jacobs in my life.
I know those extraordinary people are out there, I’m not like them yet, but that won’t stop me from knowing them and learning from them.
I will create my dream group, by my hands
It will be called “Band of the Misfits” lmao
I am not saying this to boast but I realize the life I have right now, is a dream for most people, they see me with money and time and it’s immediately like “Daddy’s money?” And I can’t help but feel pain when I hear that
I spent 4 years in uncertainty, when every single person around you is saying the same thing to you, friends family relatives, every single one. I know most people would fold within a year, I had to keep myself going, even when I wasn’t doing anything towards my goals.
Most people have no idea what it’s actually like, when everyone is constantly forcing you down the same path they took and nobody really even thinks you’re special enough to be able to achieve half of what you want.
I still have no backing to me, I am alone, in a world where people exist like jackals, the moment they sense the smell of someone unique, they would hunt you down with comments of mediocrity, because for jackals, a life of mediocrity is the only life that exists.
I have a mentor — he’s a great physicist, a man who is the reason for millions of student’s education
In this world of Jackals, I had but one man who once told me to keep going and learn by yourself, while his comment didn’t motivate me to extreme levels, I knew that this man is extraordinary and his opinion was the only one that mattered at the point.
In this world of Jackals, he was the only Dove I had.
I am still underestimated, that hasn’t changed in the slightest, people say they believe in me and I love that.
However, I know that isn’t the case yet.
There’s an entire world out there,
Places that feel unreal
Experiences that change entire lives
People so unique their existence blinds eyes
There’s an entire world out there,
I repeat
There’s an entire world out there.
I want to live in Los Angeles and oversee Hollywood productions of my own movies
I want to live in Dubai as I attend world’s best business networking events
I want to live in Paris where I understand the lives of the highest quality fashion models this world has to offer
I want to live in Japan and experience the animation industry from within as I produce a dream animated show of mine
I want to live in China among Shaolin Monks as they teach me how to control my body in the highest order
I want to live in India amongst Priests and Yogis who would explain to me the process of mastering control over one’s mind
I want to live in Europe within the Alps as I sip on my morning coffee and go back to writing my fictional novel
I want to live in New York where I go toe to toe with the most knowledgeable financial tycoons this world has to offer
There’s an entire world out there.
I sometimes wonder, after all these experiences and lives that I will live
Who will I even be, by the end of 10 years?
And will I still wonder
As if I never travelled.
