Every year, our family kicks off spring break vacation by driving through the night from New York to the South Carolina coast. That’s 925 miles, 17 hours (straight), 5 people, all in 1 Honda Odyssey. Topics of conversation vary greatly, yet always seem strangely familiar from year to year…
Sound bite timeline, hour 00:00 — 17:00
00:05
Where’s the board? We have to flip New York over.
00:06
I forgot something. We need to turn around.
Ha. Good one.
No. Seriously.
What did you forget?
I’d rather not say.
01:00
Do we have Wi-Fi in the car?
Yes.
What’s the password?
Roadtrip!
02:00
Where’s that Burger King we stopped at on the way to York last year?
It’s in Bath. I remember seeing your debit transaction hit the account.
I’m starving. Let’s stop at the next Burger King.
I thought we didn’t eat at Burger King.
We’ll order something healthy.
03:00
Why is there a Reptile Land across the street from Allenwood Federal Prison?
Do you think there are any inmates at Allenwood who threw their victims to alligators?
I’m hungry.
04:00
Oh! Alaska!
No, that’s Maryland.
Is Alaska where you have daylight all night long? Or is that Antarctica?
Both.
Where are Norwegians from?
Norwegia.
Well, what do you call people from Holland?
Hollish.
05:00
It’s 3 am at a gas station. Why is that bird singing?
It’s a Jabberjay.
No, they aren’t real. Maybe it’s a Mockingjay.
05:15
Why did you only pump 7 gallons of gas back there?
Because I want to stop again in an hour…
05:20
Oh! Rhode Island! Where’s the board?
06:00
What is a Trnpk?
It’s Native American.
06:10
[reading sign in D.C.]
Hey, did you know it’s Work Zone Awareness Week?
W.Z.A.W.
…Wuzzah!
HEY, Wuzzah!
Wuzzah!
Wait, what?
07:00
Do you say, “Me gusta los libros” or “Me gustan los libros”?
Why do you want a cookbook?
07:05
Hey look. Cream of possum.
07:30
Your lotion has a hint of horse dung in it… can I have some?
That’s the air outside the car.
Oh.
08:00
Would you stop driving into the rumble strip?
I’m not.
Um, yes. You keep doing it.
[sound of tires hitting rumble strip]
You mean that?
Yes. You’ve hit it like 14,000 times. Stop.
Why?
[sound of tires hitting rumble strip]
OMG! Why do you keep doing that?!
I like it.
09:00
Welcome to the Waffle House! Ya’ll want coffee, baby?
10:00
Why do you have a garden ax in the car?
In case we’re submerged and need to break the window.
But why a garden ax?
The label said it was bilingual.
11:00
Oh! North Dakota!
No, that’s North Carolina.
11:30
Is the Wi-Fi on?
Yes.
What’s the password?
12:00
Why are you driving with one hand, going 86 mph, not 10 feet from the car in front of you?
How can you even see all that from back there?
Let me drive.
13:00
Oh! Texas! Where’s the board?
14:00
Wow. Your feet stink.
That’s not my feet.
15:00
That truck says, “Warning — Inhalation Hazard. Anhydrous Ammonia.”
Hey, it’s from Georgia! We need that one.
16:00
Oh! Wyoming!
No, honey, that’s… wait, it IS Wyoming! Hey, everybody! The bucking bronco! Look!
16:05
So how many states do we have so far?
36.
No, 39.
That’s not right. Let me count. 37!
No. Actually, we have 38.
Oh, good. Only 2 more to go!
17:00
The car ride felt a lot shorter this year…yet longer.
