Want to Reach Your New Year’s Goals? Drop the “Shoulds”.
Unpopular opinion here: New Year’s Day is kind of awful.
In the past, I’ve approached the New Year with a combination of hope, trepidation, and depression. For a long time I attributed these more negative emotions to the weather. You see, in Chicago one can expect either endless snow or negative temperatures to hit like a freight train on January 1, and it tends to last through most of the month (and even into February or, horrors…March.) Also, EVERYTHING shuts down on New Year’s Day — restaurants, stores, yes, even my gym — leaving it a lonely, gray ghost town.
As a result, I often find myself cooped up inside with nothing to do but recover from the NYE hangover and think about the past year and all the things I didn’t accomplish. Fun stuff.
One New Year’s Day during a particularly miserable snowstorm, I tried to remedy this by drawing up a plan to fix my finances and diet for the rest of the year. By focusing full-force on all of the stuff I “should” have done the previous year, I ended the day feeling positive and motivated to do more and be more in the current year.
Well, that was a pretty interesting year. (An article for another time, friends!) All I’ll say is that winter was especially cruel, and I completely missed my financial target. In fact, I didn’t look at my meticulously planned budget ever again after that day.
And thus, I pretty much avoided the “r” word for a long time. I was convinced resolutions or anything resembling them just weren’t for me. I figured I just had to accept feeling a little terrible at the beginning of the New Year, bad weather and all.
So when I woke to an unseasonably warm and dry January 1, 2019 and geared up to launch my first RWS webinar (which I was REALLY excited about), a curious thing happened. I couldn’t avoid this small, lingering sense of dread. As the day went on, I realized that despite my zen attitude toward resolutions, the “shoulds” were barking at my heels.
“I should work out. The weather is perfect for a run and I did kind of overdo it on the NYE cocktails…”
“I should work a full eight hours today. I have two businesses to run after all…”
“I should make lunch instead of ordering in…”
Invasion of the “Shoulds”
Hi. I’m Tanya, the master of “shoulding” all over myself. And if you are too, you know it’s irritating and stressful under normal circumstances. However, so many of us carry this mindset into our health, career, financial and other personal New Year’s goals, and it’s a recipe for disaster. Why?
1) Well, let’s start with the Oxford definition of should: “Used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.” Yikes. Is it any surprise the rebellious child inside us all avoids resolutions like the plague?
2) “Shoulds” are endless. As soon as you think of one, you think of another, and another, and another…As they pile up, you wonder how you’ll ever accomplish them all. Unfortunately, this resulting anxiety actually prevents you from reaching your goals.
3) “Should” isn’t empowering. It puts society’s or other’s expectations in the driver’s seat instead of YOU.
Yes, there are many, many things we should do — brush our teeth, pay the bills, finish that work project, etc. They aren’t bad things to do and they will always be there. But when it comes to setting big personal goals, “should” just doesn’t cut it. Do you really want to go through another year pursuing goals that feel like obligations? No wonder 80% of us lose interest in the “r” word by February!
Drop the “Shoulds.” Embrace the “Can.”
So this year instead of running face first into (or away from) what you should do in 2019, think long and hard about what you can do. And when I say can, I’m not referring to what you think is within your real or perceived personal limitations. When I say can, I’m using another Oxford definition: Be able to. Have the opportunity or possibility to.
Opportunity. Possibility. Powerful words, right? Can doesn’t mean settling into your same old routine and sitting in your comfort zone. Can means reaching toward your undiscovered abilities, opportunities, and possibilities. Let’s face it — the stories we tell ourselves about what our health, finances, career, and relationships “should” look like are far too narrow.
For years I thought I should do a marathon. And I did — three times. While I learned so much through each experience, I felt very little joy completing them, even when I finally hit my time goal. Perhaps it would have helped if I had said “I can run a sub-4:00 marathon,” instead of “I should run a sub-4:00 marathon.” And if that wasn’t enough to drive and inspire me, then at least I would have had the space to consider a different challenge or goal. Everything is as it should be, of course. However, I can’t help but think of the opportunities or possibilities I missed going after what I believe I should do instead of what I can do.
So if you’re feeling a little negative about the New Year or the past year — allow yourself to drop the judgement. Instead, think of your annual goals and desired accomplishments a little differently. Run them through the “can” test.
If “I can lose weight,” doesn’t give you the fire you need, consider different fitness goals. If “I can save money,” doesn’t quite do it, perhaps try “I can save money and go on that amazing vacation this year.” At best, the simple change in semantics will positively re-frame your goals and motivate you to pursue them with more passion. At worst, you’ll discover that there’s a far better goal out there for you. Remember, you can always change your mind. (See what I did there?) What feels like a should today might feel like a can next month or next year.
Of course, I’m not telling you what you should do, but I’m confident you can have a strong January and an incredible 2019!
