When Your Body’s Warranty Begins to Expire
It’s inevitable and embarrassing at times
I woke up this morning feeling the same aches and pains I always experience every morning. But I only got up to pee twice. Hallelujah! It’s the first day of 2020 and nothing has changed. A new year and the same old decrepit body! What the hell did I expect? Disappointed, I go to my favorite room in the house, sit on the throne and begin reading my mail on my iPhone. Great, has written a new story, “Peeing in the Tub”. How timely and appropriate, Sherry! You brought me out of my first depression of the new year! As you requested I’ll share some of my thoughts and forgettable moments with you.
First of all, I’m not a bath person. I’m a shower person. I have always had the fear of sitting in the bathtub, covered with soapy water and bath scum and either the phone rings or someone comes to the door. The same thing could happen showering but for some reason, I don’t dread that. So I don’t fart in the tub, but I have been known to rip one in the shower. Who’s to know? Well, now you and anyone who reads this will. Oh well.
While we are on the subject of the expulsion of intestinal gas I can attest to the fact that, at least for me, getting older has complicated the act. Somewhere in my aging process, I developed IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), a completely benign, albeit often embarrassing condition. My symptoms include bloating, stomach cramps, sudden bouts of diarrhea and proliferation of gas, oftentimes deadly. It’s amazing that the paint is still on my walls! Because of this condition, I haven’t been able to go out for breakfast early in the morning, unless a bathroom is within a few seconds away. I’m sure Denny’s is happy.
To lessen the severity of IBS sufferers should eat a great deal of fiber. You guessed it. Eating fiber causes a hell of a lot of gas. This can be embarrassing, especially if you can’t successfully blame someone else. I try to plan my social calendar around my meals as not to cause problems for my companions and fellow diners.
It seems as though I’ve always had gas. Even as a child and a young adult I could compete with any natural gas utility. It never bothered me, but I do remember one embarrassing event that occurred on my way to work. The morning after an evening of beer swilling, I was waiting for the bus to go to work. It was rather a warm day and I was wearing a new pair of white pants. As I was standing at the bus stop I felt the urge to pass gas. So I did. I was wrong. It wasn’t only gas. Embarrassingly I waddled home to change my pants and went to work late. I’m much more careful in my old age.
Now to the subject of Sherry’s article. For many, many years I paid no attention to my prostate. In my youth, I drank a hell of a lot of beer and it went out just as fast as it went in. I could sleep all night and never have the urge to pee. Now old age has screwed up my plumbing with the advent of BPH.
When I was a little kid I could write my name in the snow, using cursive of course. Now if I tried this I would only produce urine alphabet soup in my pants. Gone are the days of competing in pissing contests against a wall with my little male friends. Now I just piss on the floor or my shoes, as I have trouble hitting the toilet unless I stand directly over it.
I still drink beer, but it goes right through me, and quickly but comes out, drip by drip, like pissing through a swizzle stick. If I go out to a bar or restaurant and drink beer I have to swallow my pride and sit on the toilet to pee and it’s not quick. Better than the embarrassment of pissing my pants all the time! At home, sitting down to pee saves the problem of a wet toilet seat and a puddle on the floor. It’s amazing that at times when I pee it’s only a dribble, but at other times, for some reason, it shoots out over the toilet and on to whatever is nearby.
I take medication for my BPH, which helps lessen my trips to pee during the day, but it doesn’t help much during the night. Some nights I wake up every hour to pee. And it’s not just a small amount either. I don’t know where all this urine is coming from. Most nights I get up about twice. Once morning comes I can go every few minutes, so it’s rare that I sleep in. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in years!
It’s amazing that when I have to pee I am usually dreaming that I have to pee. Thank God I haven’t dreamt that I am peeing! I just started using CPAP and even though it hasn’t helped my breathing problems I don’t pee quite so much.
What really pisses me off (pardon the pun)is the advice our medical miracle workers give us old folks. If we have BPH our doctors tell us not to drink liquids after 6 PM. Great! We all have to eat early enough to avoid drinking anything at our meals. I guess that’s why restaurants have early bird specials. We can’t go to a party unless it ends at 6. No more hot chocolate to warm us up on those cold winter nights. Should we drink water when we take our medications? No alcohol, spicy food, coffee, red meat, fried food either. You’ll be one hungry, mean, miserable bastard, but maybe, just maybe you’ll pee less!
Oh yeah, I forgot. Don’t get a frigging cold or the flu. If you take cold medications you won’t be able to pee at all. It’s like stuffing a small cork up your dick until the medication wears off. Of course, in the past hundred years or so scientists haven't been able to come up with a cold medication that doesn’t tie your urethra into a knot.
It seems as you get older the cure for one of your maladies is the bane for another. I also have breathing problems for which none of my doctors can pinpoint a cause. I was once prescribed a strong diuretic for this problem, which caused me to pee every 5 to 10 minutes. I literally couldn’t leave the house unless I brought an empty milk jug with me. The doctor seemed to be surprised when I told him I peed enough with my BPH and I refused to take that medication any more.
I know to share my thoughts on aging is TMI for some or too potty mouth for others, but the way I look at it is that it’s a process we all either are going through or will be going through. We can let ourselves be depressed about it or we can accept it and laugh at it. It’s really a pain in the ass, the bladder, the back, the neck, the prostate and every joint in the body, to get older. I laugh at it as I don’t care for the alternative.
I have to go pee now, so let’s hear from others about how you deal with growing older.
