It was early 2012 and I was laying on the floor in one of my mother’s spare bedrooms. The room was being decorated at the time and there was no bed or furniture. I was covered in ash — I smoked heavily back then — and I was continuously crying, I didn’t really know why? What I did know is that I just wanted to be left on my own, not to be judged for being in such a way. Over a period of about 8 weeks the situation I was in was spiralling to a place I can’t describe, I was numb and oblivious to what was happening to me; I was just falling through each day as if they were one single day. This was impacting the person I was at home and at work; I was vandalising my life in anyway I could. I was suffering from depression and things were getting worse. I suppose, looking back now, I thought I was strong enough to cope and that I could keep these feelings inside and over time they would soon disappear. I was unaware that these things/feelings inside my head were eating away at my being and it was actually me that was disappearing.
I don’t know what happened to make me do what I did next but I am thankful that I did. One night, while at my mother’s house, I called a colleague from work, when she answered I just blurted out that I needed help! I managed to shake the feeling of guilt I felt, the embarrassment and the shame of being weak and picked up the phone and spoke to someone. This instantly had a positive impact, knowing that someone was willing to help me, even though I didn’t know what help I needed. I met this colleague the next day and attempted to walk through what I should do next. This involved me seeing my GP and being referred to a hospital where I could get the professional help I needed. It did also involve a period of time taking medication but I’m not ashamed to say I needed this to help, get better. And although I feel I am in a much better place today I now fully appreciate the importance of mindfulness, respecting the ‘here and now’, appreciating that nobody is immune to these types of mental health problems.
In April 2018, I learned of the passing of an old colleague. This person took their own life. In their late 30’s they have left behind two young sons, a partner and a lifetime of friends and memories. I was speaking to this person in March, mainly to wish them a happy birthday so when I heard this news it opened some old wounds and brought back some feelings. It made me think about my two kids and the impact I can have on their futures. It made me realise how fortunate I am that I found the strength to speak to someone, even though I didn’t know where or how it would help.
Getting to this point was/will be the hardest part, to face in to the perceived burden you think you are on others and the weakness you will undoubtedly feel inside, but you can get there and it is important to hear from people who have been through similar scenarios, that you don’t need to do this alone. People do want to listen and people do want to help.
To anyone that is reading this, and having similar challenges to the ones I had, please do talk to someone. You’re not alone and with help you can get through this. I would also like to take this opportunity to point you in the direction of these great charities:
