Every Monday in school the headteacher would read out, during the weekly assembly, a list of students to recognise stand out performance. I was petrified that my name was going to be read out! There would be nothing worse, my heart would be pounding and it always felt like everyone was looking at me — even though no names had been read out yet. I prayed John Vary would never appear on that list!
I have never been one for crowds, I do the utmost to avoid trade show floors, large gatherings of people, or even sometimes a small social gathering. I feel extremely uncomfortable, not myself, my words don’t come easily and I usually find the quickest exit possible. This might be hard to believe for people that know me — truth is, with almost 30 years of practice I have become very good at disguising this.
I am not a very social person and I enjoy being alone, with my kids and with my family. To slightly contradict this, I do also enjoy being around people, but in some scenarios — I am still trying to work this one out. It’s not that I don’t like people, i’m just not me in certain situations around people. This is also why one of my goals for 2019 is to try and meet someone new every day.
Feeling like this can be a big problem for public speaking! I am very honoured to get invited to speak publicly — I have presented at TEDx, WIRED retail as well as other events at home and abroad. However, every time I stand up and speak, whether this is to 800 people in an auditorium or to 3 people in a meeting room, the first 30 seconds is complete chaos mentally for me. My heart beats crazily fast, I can’t catch my breath, words feel jumbled up and I get a feeling that I am outside of my body; unreal!! I have developed an awareness that this is happening to me, this enables me to accept this moment of chaos and focus enough to get the wheels back on the rails so that I can deliver the message. There has been two occasions when I couldn’t speak and left the room.
Once I had the all clear from the doctor that this was not a physical problem I was determined to face into this challenge and use it to my advantage. Admittedly there were moments where I said to myself I would never speak publicly again. I am glad I didn’t listen to myself and I am happy that I put up with these moments of chaos when speaking publicly. It is a great feeling when I find myself again, and the fog clears, my mind is empty and the focus is there.
Over the last two years I have had support to help me with different approaches to try and overcome this form of social anxiety/uncontrolled energy. Breathing, focusing on the beginning of my message and visualising success have all helped me, but what has really helped is knowing that this anxiety/over flowing energy I feel will always be there and it is on me to focus on John Vary in the real world and be content with this irrational inner voice that is impulsive and sometimes destructive. I suppose this is a consequence of being happy alone and left to your own thoughts and inner thinking — are you actually ever really alone?
I have written this blog to articulate how this situation(s) makes me feel and what I do to try and face in to it. I hope it encourages others to share tips and approaches to channeling this type of energy.
Very much still a work in progress…
