COOKING
Size and Shape Matters
Stop thinking about that — I’m talking about food
“How should I cut this cucumber?” asks my girlfriend, Shaunna.
I grab it off the counter, hold the footlong-plus beast below my waist for a moment, and laugh, “I need to chop this quick. It’s making me feel inadequate.”
Shaunna laughs, too, and we kiss in my never-remodeled 1970s kitchen, which has stained and worn Formica countertops and granite-patterned linoleum. It could be considered retro at this point, but in its condition, it’s just worn and old.
I’m in the process of setting up a badass outdoor cook area and plan to remodel my kitchen with good lighting. One day, I’ll be a bald middle-aged Chinese foodie and fitness influencer sexy-slicing and dicing with my shirt off. For now, I’ll just write about cucumbers.
The cucumber will stand on its own in a cucumber salad, so I want pieces roughly the size of grapes. First, I chop the massive phallic symbol in the middle. Even cut in half, it’s still porn-star worthy. After quartering the halves lengthwise, I cross-cut the slices into the desired sizes. It’s an English cucumber, so there’s no need to peel or deseed it.
I use a clever for most of my prep work. I love its heavy feel and the deep ring it makes…
