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COOKING
Size and Shape Matters
Stop thinking about that — I’m talking about food
“How should I cut this cucumber?” asks my girlfriend, Shaunna.
I grab it off the counter, hold the footlong-plus beast below my waist for a moment, and laugh, “I need to chop this quick. It’s making me feel inadequate.”
Shaunna laughs, too, and we kiss in my never-remodeled 1970s kitchen, which has stained and worn Formica countertops and granite-patterned linoleum. It could be considered retro at this point, but in its condition, it’s just worn and old.
I’m in the process of setting up a badass outdoor cook area and plan to remodel my kitchen with good lighting. One day, I’ll be a bald middle-aged Chinese foodie and fitness influencer sexy-slicing and dicing with my shirt off. For now, I’ll just write about cucumbers.
The cucumber will stand on its own in a cucumber salad, so I want pieces roughly the size of grapes. First, I chop the massive phallic symbol in the middle. Even cut in half, it’s still porn-star worthy. After quartering the halves lengthwise, I cross-cut the slices into the desired sizes. It’s an English cucumber, so there’s no need to peel or deseed it.
I use a clever for most of my prep work. I love its heavy feel and the deep ring it makes on the cutting board. The large surface area sweeps up the cucumbers with a satisfying scrape as I transfer them to a bowl.
“That’ll have just the right size for a good crunch and add to each bite,” I say.
Chopping the purple cabbage is next. With it being a hearty and sometimes tough vegetable, I dice and chop it into tiny bits. All these ingredients will be part of our bowl meal. If I cut the cabbage too big, it will take too long to chew, and I’ll be left with just the cabbage in my mouth after a bite.
My goal with the bowl meals is balanced mouthfuls. With the grilled salmon being the main act, I don’t want the cabbage thrust to center stage; I’m looking for more of a come-from-behind crunch.
