“Take it like a man”: A look into Grief and Gender and overcoming imposter syndrome
Suck it up and take it like a man. Boys don’t cry. Be the man of the house. Any of these sound familiar?
In a study on gender differences in adjustment to bereavement, researchers wanted to measure the level of depression in grieving men. However, they observed that many grieving men didn’t want to be interviewed in person; but they did agree to complete a questionnaire they received via mail. Results from this study showed that those who refused to be interviewed in person, but completed the questionnaire, were more depressed than those who accepted to be interviewed in person. So essentially, the men who were most depressed, didn’t want to talk about it. The researchers concluded that this was due to social norms, which make it embarrassing for men to show strong emotions, such as crying, but not women (Stroebe et al. 66).
I encountered a comparable instance.
As part of my Masters Thesis project, I produced a podcast entitled “Sorry for you Loss: a podcast about grief”, which explores how we navigate grief in the current media landscape. In order to recruit interviewees, I posted a Facebook status calling for individuals who have experienced grief and are comfortable talking about it. I got an outstanding number of willing participants; however all of them, were female. When the first male did reach out, he requested not have his identity revealed.
Fortunately, after a few weeks, a couple males did reach out to me — but the numbers were incomparable to the number of female interviewees I had lined up.
This instance was initially perceived as a “dilemma” in my creative process, as I worried my research would be inaccurate or biased, due to the limited sample size. It ended up benefitting and in fact contributing to my research, however, as I began to question: in Western culture specifically, do men and women grieve differently? Or perhaps, do they just express grief differently? Do social norms determine what the appropriate way to grieve is, according to gender? These questions prompted me to produce an episode exploring the topic of grief and gender.
Before diving into this topic, not to mention, deciding to research grief in the first place, I did experience a lot of insecurities, self-doubt and “imposter syndrome”. I am a Master of media production — not a psychologist, grief worker, or expert in gender studies. In other words, I considered myself “unqualified”.
I am simply a young adult who has gone through grief and fortunate enough to be in an industry where storytelling is my job. When it comes to grief, there are stories to be told and opinions to be heard. I’ve realized that grief is a universal feeling, unfortunately inevitable in most’s lifetime. We have all experienced grief, or witnessed others in grief, and have therefore formed opinions of what it is. This reigns true when discussing grief in context with gender as well.
For instance, I want you to think about the last time you saw a man cry. Now, the last time you saw a woman cry. How does your reaction, or “evoked emotions”, differ in these circumstances?
Because to be honest, when I see a man cry, I have a tendency to immediately get emotional as well. It’s as if the severity and overall trauma of the situation is “more validated”, or “heightened”, as opposed to when I see a woman cry. This technically isn’t “fair”, but, like I said, it’s a tendency I can’t control. And maybe it’s because personally, I’ve seen more women or girls cry in my lifetime; and I currently live with two brothers and a Dad.
I think it’s easy for us to assume that men and women do express grief differently, which is especially true due to common societal assumptions that are associated with each gender, males in particular.
“You see a little boy [you say] tough up, don’t be a baby, why are you acting like a girl? Girls are taught to express their emotions and boys are taught to bottle their emotions. It’s not manly to be emotional or affectionate or to feel some sort of emotional pain; it’s feminine”, says Natalie Cox, one of the “fellow grievers” I interviewed.
While interviewing others who have gone through grief, I asked what their thoughts were on grief and gender, and if they think men and women grieve differently. The overwhelming consensus among my interviewees was yes, men and women do grieve differently, and yes, societal assumptions do play a big part in this.
“I think it comes down to the individual themselves but if we’re talking maybe on a larger scale stereotypically, or just what our gender norms have fed us through society, girls tend to be more emotional and boys are told that showing emotions is weak and showing emotion is not strong”, says Katie Shim, age 24. “and we have so much of these images being fed to us that we feel like we need to live up to these and we’re not living for ourselves or being true to how we feel inside.”
Fortunately, times are changing and ideologies around “gender norms” are less prominent. But what concerns me is whether these lingering assumptions place constraints on one’s grieving process. Do these assumptions compartmentalize grieving processes into “healthy” and “unhealthy” categories? Is there a “right” or “wrong” way to grieve, according to gender? I think that these questions are heavily defined and motivated by everyone else’s reactions to one’s expression of grief, especially if it counters their expectations. My reaction to seeing a man cry vs. seeing a woman cry is a prime example.
The documentary, The Mask You Live In (2015), written, directed and produced by Jennifer Siebel Newsom, explores how “America’s narrow definition of masculinity” affects males, as they feel pressured to act a certain way and “disconnect from their emotions” (Newson). The film includes both personal narratives and expert commentary, which conveys the destructive messages gender stereotypes and expectations males are constantly faced with from a young age, affecting all aspects of their life — including relationships, sports and family dynamics. These messages stress dominance over empathy, as well as strength over compassion, which may arguably affect men and boys’ grieving process and expression. When a man or boy is faced with grief, they will perhaps behave or express themselves in ways they have been conditioned to behave in these other aspects of their life, repressing or dismissing emotions.
In one study called “Expectations about Grief and Evaluation of the Griever”, researchers assessed college students’ reactions to grieving peers. This was done by evaluating their interpersonal attractiveness to the griever based on their “level of intensity” of grief. Low intensity grief was described as feeling slightly sad and withdrawn, while high intensity was feeling very sad, depressed, angry and guilty. The results showed that males were rated more “attractive” if their grief was low intensity, while females were rated more attractive if their grief was high intensity (Kubitz et al. 39–47).
This rationalizes the constraints men may place on themselves when it comes to expressing their grief. In fact, in an interview with positive psychologist Dr. Maria Sirois, she agreed that there is a certain “cultural biased”, when it comes to grief and gender.
“In our culture, there has been a certain sort of gender biased towards allowing certain emotions to be seen and valued and recognized as normal”, says Dr. Sirois. “But still to this day I do feel that adult women feel more comfortable talking about vulnerability, talking about sorrow, talking about depression than men […] That’s not to say that men don’t want to share their stories I think they’re just more particular about who and when and how those stories of grieving are shared.”
Clinical physician and expert in positive psychology, Dr. Joseph Kasper, explained to me that, as a male griever himself, he tends not to talk about his emotions and chooses to grieve alone. “It’s not really considered macho to talk about your emotions you’re supposed to be stoic. And I tend not to talk about my emotions believe it or not. I tend to be like, I wanna grieve by myself”, says Dr. Kasper. This seems quite ironic, as he’s shared personal stories about his son’s death and proceeding grief through his thesis paper - and willingly agreed to be a part of this project. However, he explained to me that he takes a science approach and studies his emotions and grief while writing about his experience.
Dr. Sirois’ and Dr. Joseph Kasper’s statements can be applied to coping strategies as well. In the book, Grieving Beyond Gender : Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn (2010), Kenneth J. Doka and Terry L. Martin note that the general consensus among most studies is that men typically cope instrumentally, through problem solving and activity, while women typically cope more intuitively, through expressive thought and emotions. There is also evidence that men are more avoidant in coping with trauma than are women, and are therefore more likely to engage in distracting behaviour rather than heavy contemplation (151).
Consequently, assigning a certain grieving pattern to each gender automatically impacts our understanding and expectations of how women and men grieve. For instance, in the 1980 Australian news story, a woman claimed a dingo, or wild dog, attacked and murdered her baby. However, since she did not portray signs of affective or emotional grieving, unlike her husband, the media and press antagonized the woman, and she was at first convicted and charged with the child’s murder (Doka and Martin 151). Ultimately, she was charged because her expression of grief didn’t align with cultural expectations of how a woman — especially a mother — should express grief.
More often than not, I think we default into privileging the female response to death, whether we realize it or not. In fact, many studies indicate that there is a preconceived notion in society that “working through grief” is the “healthy” way to grieve. How many times have you encouraged someone, or have been encouraged by someone, to “let out” emotions, or to not “keep things in”? Though I personally believe that everyone does grieve differently, I admit that the first thing I say when I know someone is going through a difficult time is, “If you need someone to talk to, I’m here”.
When it comes to grief and gender, Dale Lund, editor of the book Men Coping with Grief states that, “We are becoming so narrow in our ‘search for differences’ that we are ignoring much of what we all have in common” (Konigsberg 178). As other research suggests, there isn’t a concrete answer to how or if men and women grieve differently, especially as it’s becoming more socially acceptable to discuss grief openly, no matter the gender. After all, I am creating a podcast on the topic.
By reminding myself of my goals and aims of this project, I gradually overcame the “imposter syndrome”. Once I focused on the notion of storytelling and the messages I aimed to convey, I became more confident in my work and worked past the exhaustions of studying/talking about grief (because let’s be real, scrolling through endless studies on death and mourning can take a toll).
This, of course came with the help of the professionals and fellow “grievers” who shared their stories, contributed to this project, and reminded me that grief is a universal feeling or experience, though seemingly taboo. Sorry For Your Loss is a multidisciplinary project of collaborations; a product of a diverse set of research and information, which I hope only further emphasizes the various perceptions, challenges and ideologies around grief.
For someone who is experiencing grief, I think it’s important to know that despite all these studies, theories, and vast amount of people who are likely telling you to “let your emotions out” or “talk about it”, what you are feeling and going through is personal and real, and you don’t have to seek any validation for how you express, or suppress, your grief. Everyone has their own way of coping or healing and I hope to encourage grievers to embrace that notion through this project.
Sources Cited
Doka, Kenneth J., and Terry L. Martin. Grieving Beyond Gender :Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn, Revised Edition, Taylor and Francis, 2010. ProQuest Ebook Central, https://ebookcentral-proquest-com.ezproxy.lib.ryerson.ca/lib/ryerson/detail.action?docID=646557.
Konigsberg, Ruth Davis, “Grief and the Sexes.” The Truth about Grief: the Myth of Its Five Stages and the New Science of Loss, Simon & Schuster, 2011, pp. 178.
Kubitz, Nancy, et al. “Expectations about Grief and Evaluation of the Griever.” Death Studies, vol. 13, no. 1, 1989, pp. 39–47., doi:10.1080/07481188908252278.
Newsom, Jennifer Siebel, and Jessica Anthony. The Mask You Live In. Netflix , 1 Apr. 2016, www.netflix.com/watch/80076159?trackId=13752289.
Stroebe, Margaret, et al. “Gender Differences in Adjustment to Bereavement: An Empirical and Theoretical Review.” Review of General Psychology, vol. 5, no. 1, 2001, pp. 62–83., doi:10.1037/1089–2680.5.1.62.
