An Ode to Jason Heyward

Take that, Atlanta

David Blanks/Getty Images (via ESPN.com)

CHICAGO, ILL. — —
I’m bored and it’s late so, bless your hearts, you get to read this!

Jason Heyward, how are you amazing? Let me count the ways.

1. You have an amazing glove.
2. You remembered what this “hitting” thing is! It’s like a free upgrade to a team that already won the World Series back when you stunk.
3. Your actual glove is pretty cool, too.
4. You have a great smile!
5. You probably won us the World Series with that mythical locker room players-only meeting.
6. We took you away from St. Louis. Anything that is bad for St. Louis is wonderful for the National League Central, and baseball as a whole.
7. The Cardinals had to give up Shelby Miller for you. Atlanta thanks you for Dansby Swanson.
8. You seem like a really nice guy.
9. You hit home runs like this.
10. And this.
11. And this.
12. Without you, Javy Báez would have no rival for awesomely absurd defensive plays. Sorry, Addison Russell.
13. The Jason Heyward Game. Take that, San Francisco!
14. You missed less than a month that time the evil New York Mets broke your jaw in two places. What a dude.
15. You’ve beat Buster Posey in important games in 2005.
16. And in 2016.
17. You have many, many Wins Above Replacement.
18. Your new swing. Not that old one, please, not the old one.
19. You and Anthony Rizzo can be birthday twins. Almost. Fine. Golden Glove buddies.
20. Gold gloves look awesome.
21. You’re good at climbing walls.
22. You belong to the Northsiders and not the Cobb County-ers or the Redbirds.
23. Positive mental attitude!
24. A sense of humor.
25. 2016 World Series Champion.

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183,999,999. Definitely not your contract. Let’s not talk about that money.

184,000,000. Cardinals fans hate your guts. And that’s a beautiful thing.