An Ode to Jason Heyward
Take that, Atlanta
Jul 30, 2017 · 2 min read

CHICAGO, ILL. — —
I’m bored and it’s late so, bless your hearts, you get to read this!
Jason Heyward, how are you amazing? Let me count the ways.
- You have an amazing glove.
- You remembered what this “hitting” thing is! It’s like a free upgrade to a team that already won the World Series back when you stunk.
- Your actual glove is pretty cool, too.
- You have a great smile!
- You probably won us the World Series with that mythical locker room players-only meeting.
- We took you away from St. Louis. Anything that is bad for St. Louis is wonderful for the National League Central, and baseball as a whole.
- The Cardinals had to give up Shelby Miller for you. Atlanta thanks you for Dansby Swanson.
- You seem like a really nice guy.
- You hit home runs like this.
- And this.
- And this.
- Without you, Javy Báez would have no rival for awesomely absurd defensive plays. Sorry, Addison Russell.
- The Jason Heyward Game. Take that, San Francisco!
- You missed less than a month that time the evil New York Mets broke your jaw in two places. What a dude.
- You’ve beat Buster Posey in important games in 2005.
- And in 2016.
- You have many, many Wins Above Replacement.
- Your new swing. Not that old one, please, not the old one.
- You and Anthony Rizzo can be birthday twins. Almost. Fine. Golden Glove buddies.
- Gold gloves look awesome.
- You’re good at climbing walls.
- You belong to the Northsiders and not the Cobb County-ers or the Redbirds.
- Positive mental attitude!
- A sense of humor.
- 2016 World Series Champion.
.
.
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183,999,999. Definitely not your contract. Let’s not talk about that money.
184,000,000. Cardinals fans hate your guts. And that’s a beautiful thing.

