A hidden journal: How social media metrics have affected me

When I look in the mirror, I can honestly say that I am not too hard on myself. Sure, I wish I was taller by a few, measly inches (I’m 5'6 — would love be 5'9), but I do love myself. But I am hard on myself — I wish I had found my dream by now, I wish I was living in Los Angeles full-time right now; something I’ve wanted since I was 15 years old (and still counting). I’m ambitious, sensitive, compassionate, and completely empathetic to those surrounding think of me.

In fact, it’s something I struggle with daily. You see, on top of being hard on myself in achieving my goals within the entertainment industry, I truly care what people think: Do they think I can do the job? Do they think I’m nice? Do they think I’m intelligent? Do they think I am funny? Yeah, I like to be funny — it’s something I’m good at and take pride in. I was named the Class Clown of my graduating class in high school.

This is what my mind’s processing of external metrics looks like in words. It’s often noisy, complicated, and chaotic. And to anyone who is creatively-driven, you know exactly what I mean.

I have a good work ethic. Yeah, I work hard in what I do; I am endlessly curious of my environment (especially film production, festivals, etc.), and I take care of myself physically and for the most part, emotionally. School goes well for the most part; I’d never thought I’d actually get a degree, but I am. And it feels liberating, because I wouldn’t deem myself to be a school person.

I know this is utterly stupid and pointless to talk about, but bare with me. As any twenty-something year old student, I use social media on regularly basis; everything from Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. I have a substantial amount of followers on Twitter, friends on Facebook, and the people I actually converse with on a daily basis on Snapchat. But I don’t have a lot of Instagram followers — I don’t post often, I don’t take “selfies”, or comment/like a lot of my friend’s photos. So each time I do post a photo/video, I may not garner enough attention the way my friends who post regularly do.

I also don’t feel like I’m photogenic. That’s horrible to say, because I do think I’m beautiful, but I get shy for the camera. Please don’t take me for being pretentious when I say this, but I’d rather just talk to people in person, get to know them, so that they can see me in the flesh — not just some digital photo taken with my iPhone.

This is just my prerogative, nobody else’s. Everyone has their comfort zone with social media. For me, I’d just rather lurk and see what everyone else is doing, rather than worry about how many likes I get on Instagram, who wishes me “happy birthday” on Facebook, or who replies to me on Snapchat. It’s a self-made cocoon I’d created, but I’ll probably stay this way for a little while longer. So I don’t go insane.

Thank you for bearing with me for this narcissistic, self-indulgent, pointless post on myself; a self-deprecating topic that nobody should care about. Carry on.