Airing Dirty Laundry Online: Breakups and Self Care in the Age of Social Media
We’ve all read those headlines that say breaking up is as hard as losing a loved one in some other form. However, unlike losing loved ones to death, break ups have that extra bit where the person is still there and instead of just being sad you can also be angry, humiliated, petty, jealous, and did I say angry?
We’ve also all seen those friends online who have very public breakups. And as observers it’s kind of like watching Britney meltdown in 2007. It’s painful to watch but you can’t look away. I have a Facebook friend from Thailand who I’ve never actually met. One day she added a friend of mine for no reason and we found her so entertaining that I decided to add her as well. For the past seven years, I have seen the ups and downs of this complete stranger’s life, although I don’t feel she is a stranger anymore. She likes to date foreign guys and is very public when her relationships go wrong. A few years ago, she had a kid with a Spanish man. And it seems like every other week she makes a post declaring either how much she hates him or how much she loves him. It’s bizarre and dramatic. But one time she made a photo album of people burning Russian flags after she broke up with a Russian guy. So, I’m really not surprised.
I have another friend who was in an abusive relationship for an extended period of time. She references it almost daily in some way through memes or statuses or articles. I feel very bad for her because not only did she have this bad experience, but she is also clearly being haunted by it. And I wonder if the catharsis she gets from talking about it so frequently and publicly actually helps or not.
And last comes the dreaded cheating. The feeling of betrayal one gets from being cheated on is compounded with social media. This is particularly true if you didn’t know the person. Now you can put a face to them. You can see all the selfies they take in their underwear and how your partner liked all of them. You can see all the eye rolling cheesy quotes they use or when they add #wcw on a picture of themselves (#Narcissist). You can feel sickened seeing these things and comparing them to your own online presence. “Should I be posting more pictures in my underwear?” You can drive yourself crazy dissecting all of the public interactions these two people have had online, looking for the hidden meanings or indications that you may have missed.
Often in these situations, the temptation is to declare a big public FUCK YOU! But you don’t really want to do that. You don’t want to be a 2007 Britney letting every person you’ve ever worked with or went to high school with or met travelling know about how your life is falling apart at the seams. And not that you have to be ashamed if it is, but just that maybe one day you will regret having that public meltdown.
As such, here are some social media self care tips if you’re going through a breakup:
1. Block all the shitty people involved. Block your ex, block the person they cheated on you with, block their stupid friends you’ve always secretly hated, block their family. You can even ask them to block you back so you won’t be tempted to lurk their profiles.
2. Resist the urge to be passive aggressive online. You don’t need to share an article titled “20 Reasons Why You Should Date a Piece of Shit” with the caption “Already on it”. Even if you think it’s funny (and it is kind of), it will invite pity. And you don’t want pity. You’re better than that.
3. If you feel compelled to write some sort of status about your bad experience, sit on it for a day or two. You might change your mind when you’re in a better mood.
4. Don’t be drunk on social media. If you’re going through a rough time and you’re drunk with a platform to say whatever you want from behind a screen, just shut that shit down and go on Netflix instead.
5. There are groups online that are specifically for venting about exes and breakups. Go on those if you need to, because the people on there want to hear about it and want to give you advice or support. And it may make you feel better.
6. Don’t have a relationship status on FB. Make it private.
7. If you can, take a break from social media all together. Go do things that make you happier than reading/seeing other people’s curated online lives.
