Socials in Reverse: A Letter To Myself About Social Media.

Elizabeth, or Liz, since we’re pretty close,

Why am I writing this? Writing letters to your younger self seems surprisingly cathartic. Much more than just simply thinking about what you wish you’d known. Here I am, being cathartic. Here goes.

Liz, social media has been a portable presence in your life since you were in the fourth grade, making your first Facebook account, with your foreign father hovering over the desktop monitor making sure you picked a safe password, and definitely made sure you weren’t using your real name. Because God forbid, someone out there in the dark world of the online, knew your name, Liz Kapran. Well now, a whole lot of people know your name. In fact, over 10,000 people know who Liz Kapran is. Kind of. Sort of.

People know your name, but do they know who you are? What you face? That you’re scared of holes and dark places and crowds of eyes staring at you? Ironically, your fears sound a lot like the webs of the online, a place you are so tightly wrapped up in. Holes of darkness, with nothing but eyes, constantly peeled on you. All of your fears in the palm of your little hands, a few clicks away, lies terror. But does it?

Growing up was easy. High school hit you like a train, and you were tired to the tracks. Remember when you switched to your new high school, finally, with all the pretty and materialistic girls you were so excited to become friends with? Well, that didn’t happen. You didn’t become friends with them, and even though I’m happy you didn’t now, back then, you wanted to rip your hair out at the thought of not being invited somewhere. Wherever they were, it didn’t matter. The thought of not being appearing on even a Snapchat story at one of their hang outs, or a party, or a lunch get together was excruciating. FOMO was carved into the walls of your skull.

FOMO then quickly turned into a deeply rooted fear of not only missing out, but also a fear of not being an envy. I wanted people to want to be me, so they could also want to hang out with me. That led to following every single Instagram page that could help motivate to become some sort of eye-candy: fitspo pages, styling pages, celebrity inspiration pages and everything in between. Scroll after scroll, I was spoon-fed my style, my diets, my workouts through others on Instagram, hoping to become the IT girl. Hoping everyone would come running to me. Finally.

Darkness swooned over. Now you’re sitting in your bedroom, crying. Weeping. Your immigrant mother doesn’t understand why you’ve lost 30 pounds in two months. She cries. She doesn’t understand why you can’t dress yourself. She cries. She doesn’t understand what the force was behind all of this. What was sucking you into the darkest, deepest hole? Every day seemed like another shovel-full of dirt pouring over you, as you only got colder and more alone. Your biggest fears were in the flesh. All you craved was to be the life everyone wanted, and now you barely had your own life. Instagram and Facebook albums as collections of your best, prettiest and skinniest moments, with all of your friends, had become a quick replacement for basic, human needs. Like eating. Sleeping. Even communicating. Your obsession with impression and money in the form of double-taps and compliments, has reverted into an obsession with self-loathing. And now the eyes are back on you. What do you do, now, Liz?

You do what you’re best at, Liz. You find a solution within the crevices of every problem. Your disorder with food has now manifested into an order of love for all kinds of foods through the compassionate lifestyle of veganism. Your self-deprecation to become accepted in a crowd of people who seek to only deprecate, has let you fall back onto a cushiony foundation of support and higher purpose. All of which were found in the same place you stopped looking: socials. By seeking to ‘better’ yourself through the use of social media in a widespread of negative and hateful ways, it has now heightened you to platforms where you can be inspiring and motivating others through the things you are most passionate about. No longer was it about being who everyone wanted to be. Now, it’s about being. Just being, for you. Both online, and off.

Success comes in all measurements, big or small, and your feat was finding light, while staring into the hole of absolute darkness. Thanks for facing your fears, kid. Proud of you.

Love,

Liz