Stop Treating Your Book Like Your Precious Baby. Instead Treat It Like Your Beautiful Child, Full Of Potential.
Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them.
Upcoming episode on Becoming A Writer podcast this Saturday — we are going to talk about keeping our brain out of our writing.
Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them.
- Eckhart Tolle
The first sign that I am a writer (and that I missed noticing) was my daydreaming about the success I would have for being a writer.
I was in 7th grade. I had just found my love for reading novels and would scavenger hunt for Agatha Christie novels I could find in my school library. I remember vividly one particular afternoon as I was walking back to my classroom with my new find from the library.
I was presented with a vision of being celebrated during school assembly because I had published a novel while still in school. That image excited me because I thought, “That would make my English teacher so proud of me.”
Seven years later, I was in my second year of graduation when I was hit with the light bulb that I wanted to be a writer. Even then, and for many years after that, I kept thinking about how others would be proud of me when I successfully became a published author and how happy it would make me.
Do you see the problem here?
I was letting my happiness depend on having a published book and on having others be proud of me — both of which are not in my control and don’t guarantee happiness. I was putting pressure on my book and my writing to validate my existence, and it would be other people’s approval when I finally accepted that I existed and was worth something.
Even writing these words right now is making me feel icky. But for a child who felt seen only when she was being a “good girl,” this was normal. She was invisible until she did an act of service that would make elders around her take notice of her. Now she realises how this was not working in her favour.
Now, when I look back, I understand that I was treating my book too preciously and was too attached to it. I was clinging to it to create my identity instead of letting it blossom into whatever shape it wanted to, which, in the process, also helped me discover my identity. I was treating my book like my precious baby instead of like my beautiful child who is full of potential.
Difference between your book as a baby and as a child.
When you treat your book like it’s your baby, you become a clingy parent.
You want it to be perfect, flawless, and without mistakes. You want it to always behave properly and make the right impression wherever it goes. You will take any mistake or failure as a personal attack on your character.
You will take routes that you think are right instead of seeing what direction the book needs to take. You’ll micro-manage every part of it, and you won’t stop until you inevitably and unknowingly kill its soul. And since you spend time and effort on your book, you feel you deserve to be celebrated.
Also, you HAVE to have a book published to call yourself a writer.
You do all this because you cling to your book and its success in the world to prove how good a writer you are, to win readers and accolades. You behave in such a way because you don’t trust and believe in yourself as a writer. You need physical proof to validate that for you, and you put that pressure on your book — your baby. Therefore, you never cut the umbilical cord and let the book fly.
When you treat your book like it’s your child, you become a friendly parent to have around.
You know you are not perfect, but you will give your best to your book. You will learn ways to be a better parent to your book and create an environment where it can have the space to thrive and grow.
If anytime the book goes in a direction that doesn’t seem right for it, you’ll calmly guide it back to track. And when you go off track and procrastinate or overwork yourself or micro-manage your writing, you have the self-compassion to correct your course gently. You will not rush your book, not pressurise it to win you all the prize money and accolades out there.
You understand that you and your book are two different entities — it grows out of you, but it’s not you, nor does it need to be perfectly shaped in your image of it. You believe in yourself as a writer by proving to yourself that you are a writer through consistent action; publishing the book is the inevitable next step and consequence.
You know you both have the potential for success and evolution, you both are doing your best, and that inner self-validation is enough for you to be happy and call yourself a writer.
You cut the umbilical cord long back when the idea of the book for born. You helped and nurtured it to grow enough, and now you can send your book out into the world, knowing it will survive the wild.
Why treating your book as a baby is bad for its health?
Lack of objectivity. Treating your book like a baby can make it difficult for you as the writer to maintain objectivity. This emotional attachment might hinder your ability to evaluate and edit your work critically and take constructive criticism to improve yourself and your work.
Fear of making change. Perfect prose will never come out spitting out of your fingertips. Edits to your writing will need to be made to shape your book into as good as it can be. That means being ready to cut out parts of the manuscript that, while cherished by you, may not contribute to the overall quality or flow of the work. Treating a book like a baby can make it challenging to make these tough decisions.
Limited or no marketability. If you want your book to have the best life possible, you have to make sure it gets the best environment to flourish in. And for that, no matter how cringy it feels, you have to learn how to market your book to the right readers. You need to find what kind of marketing fits your palate and do your best to give your book the best chance to shine.
Unrealistic expectations. Treating a book like a baby may lead to unrealistic expectations about its success. While every writer hopes for their work to be well-received, it’s important to acknowledge that not every book becomes a bestseller or receives universal acclaim, and definitely not right out of the gate. Unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment and frustration. Be prepared and used to hearing crickets most of the time.
Pressure and anxiety to be perfect and flawless. Viewing your book as a “baby” can create immense pressure on you. Just as parents may feel pressure to raise their children perfectly, writers might feel overwhelmed by the weight of creating a flawless masterpiece. This pressure can lead to anxiety, writer’s block, the fear of not living up to unrealistic expectations, or getting heartbroken when the book is not well received.
Comparison to others. I call this the “Sharmaji ka beta syndrome.” (Indians will totally get what I am saying.) If you treat your book as your baby, chances are you are comparing its success or failure to the success or failure of books by other writers. What you forget to remember is that each creative person is paving a different path that’s unique to them, so there genuinely isn’t a common ground to compare your work with theirs.
Difficulty in letting the book go. Once a book is completed and ready for publication, treating it like your baby will make it difficult for you to let go. Yes, we are writing from our experience. Yes, we shared pieces of ourselves in our book, some of which will be vulnerable pieces. But we also have to remember that our job as creatives is an act of service — we write to share with others. Being too emotionally attached to your book is depriving the world of the wisdom, knowledge and joy that could make the readers’ lives liveable.
How to treat your book as your “full of potential” child?
Remember, you and your book are two separate individuals. Though it comes out of you, it is not you, nor does it need to be like you thought. You are caring for it and giving it space to flourish on its own. Micro-managing your book and forcing it to be according to the image you hold in your head is not going to help your book.
Set realistic goals. Establish realistic goals for your writing and revision process. Break down the tasks into manageable steps and focus on achieving each goal one at a time. Focus on the writing process and enjoy it rather than obsess over the perceived perfection of the final book. Remember that your plan will never go according to plan, so stay flexible with your writing process.
Separate self-worth from success. Remember that the success or failure of your writing does not solely determine your worth as a person. Recognise and appreciate your qualities beyond your creative work.
Embrace imperfection. Understand that no piece of writing is flawless. Embrace imperfections as part of the creative process and an avenue for improvement.
Develop a growth mindset. Cultivate a perspective that views challenges and setbacks as opportunities for learning and improvement. Focus on the journey of becoming a better writer rather than fixating on a fixed destination.
Set boundaries. Designate specific times for writing and editing, and, most importantly, step away from your work when time’s up for the day. You don’t want to overwork and burn yourself out so much that you can’t give your all to your writing. When you are overworked and burnout, you’ll be cranky. And when you are cranky, whatever you write will feel shit.
Celebrate achievements. Acknowledge and celebrate your achievements and milestones. Recognise the progress you’ve made as a writer so far, no matter how small.
Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself during the creative process. Understand that making mistakes or facing challenges doesn’t diminish your value or potential as a writer. Instead, such moments give you space to evolve into a better writer.
Remember, it’s not about you; it’s about the book. Reconnect with the initial purpose and passion that drove you to write. Focus on the joy and fulfilment that come from expressing yourself through your writing. And imagine how much positive change you can bring to the lives of your readers.
