As a Christian, must I stay married to my abusive husband?
There are many times when we find ourselves in a marriage that’s gone sour for one reason or another. Whether we weren’t Christians when we got married, our husband fell away from the faith, or something else has happened, they may now be abusive. This leaves us with the question, “What do I do now? Can I be forgiven if I get a divorce?”
At the heart of the matter is the fact that not every marriage is ordained blessed. Here it’s also important to understand that God won’t call something holy that is unholy. This certainly applies to a marriage wherein your husband is abusing you because abuse is something that will never be blessed by God.
In my heart of hearts, I do not believe that God would want us to continue living with an abuser The reason I say us is because I’ve been where you are now. Yes, the reason I’m able to stand firm in my answer here is that I’ve been in an abusive relationship and came out the other side. While I wasn’t a Christian when I entered the relationship, but when I left it, I became one.
Throughout the relationship my ex not only repeatedly sexually assaulted me, but he also cheated on me and had a severe addiction to adult imagery. There was nothing healthy in this relationship — nothing that could be salvaged. The fact that neither of us were Christians didn’t help, but after giving my life to the Lord I did look back with an attitude of repentance and a desire to please God. As such, I spent a lot of time in prayer and searching the Bible for answers. Ultimately, I decided that God doesn’t want His children to be abused. Additionally, no Christian would ever be abusive so the abuser is definitely not a Christian — or at the very least is severely backslidden.
Not all abuse is going to be as clear cut here as others, but this doesn’t make it any better or worse either. For instance, knowing that you’re being verbally, emotionally, or sexually abused is more evident than when someone is a narcissist. While my ex was abusive emotionally and sexually, I also had to deal with the narcissism.
Narcissist: Having an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.
This is merely to say that it is abuse too. However, there’s no scale as to what abuse you should accept and that which should make you draw the line and leave. Abuse is abuse, plain and simple.
When you realize that your husband is abusive and that he isn’t living the life he should be living, you may want to act as his rescuer. Unfortunately, this isn’t your job. You are his wife and all you can do is ask him to attend couples’ therapy with you but at the end of the day it’s still his choice to make. So, if he’s refusing to attend therapy, it’s your decision to leave, but don’t use this as an ultimatum (e.g. “If you don’t attend therapy, I’m leaving”) because this isn’t going to make the situation better. In fact, it may make the situation worse.
The bottom line is that God doesn’t want us to be a doormat for anyone. When you’re being abused and you’ve tried to make amends, if those amends don’t work, it’s time to get out. Your health, sanity, and well-being are at stake here. They depend on you not being abused.
Once you do leave you may find yourself wondering if remarrying is a sin… This isn’t something you should spend too much time dwelling on. After all, there’s only one sin that’s unforgiveable: Not accepting Christ as Savior.
Does this mean that you can or should willingly be disobedient in choosing to sin? NO! However, this is one of those topics where it’s hard to know what the Bible’s real answer is. Therefore, all we can do is follow our heart and let God guide us. He is a good, loving, forgiving Father and recognizes your efforts. Seek His guidance and enjoy the love He has for you regardless of what is going on in your life. When you do this, you’re living up to His mandate for your life — which is all that He really asks for.
Ruby Hem Ministries is a life coaching site ran by Brenda H. She helps women who suffer from PTSD due to childhood abuse or domestic violence take better care of themselves so they can experience God’s love and live out His calling on their lives.
