I have no companionship daily, except the dogs, which I am convinced have been forced upon me to keep me from leaving. This latest run of no intimacy has persisted now more than eight years, with no end in sight. The loneliness tears my soul; as unbearable as a large clock thundering the passing of each minute.
The dogs are getting older; I can see it in their step. The person on whom I had hoped for companionship chips away at my self-esteem with every chance she gets, whether from bitterness, resentment or fear, I can’t ascertain.
I’m always looking to preempt selfish or rude behavior. My default state has been defined as selfish, rude… jerk … It is exhausting to manage the perception away from that for everything I do, from changing a lightbulb to deciding what to cook for dinner to buying a sofa.
I need to distance myself for my own sanity but that ironically leads to more isolation and loneliness.
I know the solution is to just leave; go away and be nowhere. Yet here I sit, running out the clock and hoping to leave as gracefully as death allows.