Confessions
Life’s beauty is that it is filled with highs and lows each bringing about a lesson that a particular individual is expected to learn at a particular point in their life. However, every so often, we have that one traumatic experience that completely changes our perspective of how to live our life. How we cope with that one experience affects the rest of our lives either negatively or positively. We all develop various mechanisms, traits to help us get through the traumatic experiences; some good, some detrimental whereas others, serving as an escape from the reality of the traumatic experience.
At an early age, we learn the hard way that we cannot deal with many of our issues in this manner. Our patriarchal society molds us to accept life as it is without complaint and with no external exhibitions of our emotions. Unable to talk to someone, unable to cry the pain away, we are left many a time to fight with our negative emotions alone.
To some lucky few, they have been able to deal with what they are going through by confiding to those within their circles of friends of whom they trust the most. The act of sharing enabling the individual to get some much-needed release. I for one quickly learned that there I could draw no comfort from confiding in another. When distressed, conversations with those I chose to confide in would take three percent of the total conversation time to help me leave the rest of the time of the conversation at the mercy of their egocentric natures which always found a way of turning the conversation back to them and their needs, wants, pains and desires.
When I realized that people were too self-absorbed to care about what I was going through I chose never to bother myself with trying to get their attention. I formed an emotional lockdown whereby everything I experienced got filtered and stored in boxes within my soul not to be seen by the outside world just as the society had taught me to do oh so well. Just like the vampires in vampire diaries, we often choose to turn off our humanity so that we do not feel the pain nor darkness anymore. With the standard response of, “I’m okay” or “fine, just fine”, We shut our pain deep within. Heartbreak, loss of loved ones, backstabbing friends coupled with the unforgettable timer on my life was all shoved into a black box and forgotten. Little did I know that I was on a slippery slope that would cost me both time, respect, friends, and pieces of me. A point reached where I was drowning in sorrow. I managed to convince myself that my life was pointless. I chose to believe that nothing great could come out of a messed-up person like me who was destined for failure and death. I knew that I was out of sorts, yet I had no reason why. Constantly downcast for no apparent reason.
Unable to find words to explain what is happening, some individuals try to fill the emptiness they feel within with drugs, sex, and alcohol. Choosing to continually indulge themselves to maintain the recurrence of the limited highs drawn from them. Trying to maintain an image of strength and resolve whereas being utterly troubled inside. Personally, liquor became a great companion. Given that my “toxic masculinity” would not allow me to cry, I chose to drink the pain away a little at a time. However, like many others before me, I could not drink my pain away. The sense of self-worth that had constantly snatched from us over the years had become irreplaceable. Memories of past abuse choosing to haunt us each waking night till sleep became a precious commodity. The more we indulged ourselves, the emptier we feel.
But how does one describe what is going on? How does one talk about the problem that resides deep within? Having seen most of the above happening to others, I felt like that would not be me. My extroverted opinionated mind was stronger than an unseen problem. However, I had to realize that I was unhappy with others, with myself and with life. I honestly do not know the best way to deal with the negative voices deep within that constantly bring up pain and trauma. All I am sure about is that we need to speak up and help each other before we lose each other.
