Dear Harry,

I have battled with myself on whether I should write this letter to you or not. I was hoping that I would be strong enough to deal with this on my own however as it turns out, I’m not strong enough. I’m tired of living with all these secrets and lies. I’m tired of having to hide my pain from you. Its high time that I told you the whole truth. Brace yourself, for I know that what I tell you will be slightly heavy to read and understand. I know you will have questions and all I hope is that they may be answered in this letter.

You always wondered why I ended up being this messed up. Years before we began speaking to each and years before you became an integral part of my life. I was diagnosed with HIV. Little did I know that that would change my life forever. My world was turned upside down and I was expected as an African young girl to carry the burden with a smile on my face. The regular hospital visits, the numerous pills, the constant exhaustion not to mention the despair that at any moment the simple flu was what stood against me and death.

My family did the best they could to assume that life would go on as it always did and in the process, I ended up not dealing with the trauma that resulted from the time they told me of my disease. From that day on I became cognizant of the fact that no one would look at me the same way if they found out. All we learnt about in school is that we should not have sex because we could get the disease yet here I was, very much a virgin yet carrying the beast within me. The few people I told abandoned me. I could feel their eyes on my back as I walked past them. I could see the subtle movements they made away from me and I could feel the shift in the mood the moment I joined specific groups. I resigned to keeping to myself.

Years past and the pain of the fact that I was living on borrowed time ensured that I did all that I could to make the most of the little time I had. The moment Charles showed little interest in me, I chose to give myself to him and well I’m sure that you know of my escapades after that. I allowed many to take advantage of me for I mean, given I was dying anyway, why not have some fun in the process. I was not aware of how they were destroying me emotionally. Every encounter left me feeling dirty. Instead of feeling whole and loved, I felt broken and used.

Do you remember back in high school when I had to miss most of the year, I did so that I may be there for my father who was diagnosed with lung cancer. As you are very much aware, he passed on just before my fourth year. I went into drugs because I was tired of trying to fight the bad hand I had been dealt with by nature. What you didn’t know is that because of all the stress. I was crying inside but I had to help you get over the loss of your granddad. We were both in pain, yet I had to put my struggles aside so that I may help you grieve. I had no one to talk to. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to leave me.

Soon after I joined the campus, I was diagnosed with diabetes. At this point, I was tired of having to fight. I was tired of having to hope in the future precisely because I saw no future for me. I was unable to tell you because you were dealing with having to repeat high school. At this point, the drugs I took left me empty within and emotionally at the border. You told me to deal with my pain countless times. However, you didn’t know that my pain was terminal. I tried to write, I tried to sing, I drunk, I had sex, but I was unable to fill the hole in my soul. Nothing worked.

I surrounded myself with the rich and glamorous. Drinking all day and partying all night. I ensured that I took as many pictures as I could with a smile on my face. The larger the crowd I was in, the more accepted I felt. When I found out I was pregnant, you stood by my side even as both friends and family disassociated themselves from me. You practically took the role of father for my child. All through the eight months, the only thing on my mind was the fear that my child would have to go through all that I had gone through.

I hated the pity that doctors would show me when they held my medical records. I hated feeling like I was about to die. I hated having to be extremely cautious with those I confided in for they could turn on me in an instant. Though the voices in my mind tell me that I am destined to die, I cling to life through the love we share. True love is what I have received from you and true love makes the fight a little easier to deal with. I have been dealt a bad hand, but you will remain as the ace in my deck. Forgive me for not telling you. Forgive me for hiding the truth.

You need to be strong for Bella because she is not aware of the reasons I have to leave her. She will need you to explain why I had to let go so soon. She will need you to show her what it means to love and to be loved. My body can’t take the strain of this new disease. I have gotten used to the stares. I have fought for myself, for Bella and you thus far and I hope you will find it within you to fight for those you love. I hope that through me you will be more conscious of how precious life is. I hope that this letter reminds you of how much true love brings life to those who may be broken.

Remind her that she needs to love herself. Remind her that she is beautiful and strong no matter what people think or say to her. Remind her that people’s opinions do not define who she is. Teach her how to draw love from the things around her and teach her to respect her body. Regardless of the pain she feels help her to express her feelings and to face her traumas head-on. Help her find a man who loves her as much as you have loved me. Most importantly remind her that she was the one perfection in my life and that I will always love her.

With love,

Bridgit.