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The Laws of Waffle House Fighting According to Moses
Why are Bible Belters no longer following the Holy Laws?
When Jenna Ortega and Marcello Hernández used Saturday Night Live to reintroduce America to Waffle House fighting, which has long been a thing in the South after 11 pm or so, I was reminded that many of its traditional rules are no longer being followed.
So, in honor of the South and its Bible-based traditions, I’d like to provide this quick guide to a few basic Waffle House fighting rules according to Moses, who knew a thing or two about wanton violence. These rules come directly from the Bible, and must be obeyed:
Rule Number One: Ladies: Keep your hands off the Johnson
When men fight with one another and the wife of the one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of him who is beating him and puts out her hand and seizes him by the private parts, then you shall cut off her hand. Your eye shall have no pity.
— Deuteronomy 23:11–12
I’m not sure if this means that if you’re the wife, you should just stay out of the fracas, or if the Waffle House should make it a point to provide easy access to a nice-sized cleaver. Maybe both?
