Between the desire for stability and yearning for adventure
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.” — Mark Twain
May 8th, 2019
It’s been already 5 weeks since I came to Iten, Kenya. Everyday, I have been running, making content, and taking a lot of nap. On top of that, I have been working with a publisher. Two years ago, I wrote an ebook(link in Korean) on my experience in Iten back in 2015, and we are bringing it into a paper form. My publisher and I agreed that the last chapter be about me coming back to Iten this year. I had to write the chapter and give it to the publisher last week. But I haven’t been able to even start it.
Truth is, I couldn’t figure out exactly ‘why’ I came back to Iten. Even after I bought the flight tickets and finished organizing for the trip — getting the visa, yellow fever shot, etc. — and on the plane to Kenya, I couldn’t really put it into words. When my friends asked me why I was quitting my job and going to Kenya, I just told them “I like the life there, and want to be there again.”
Well, yes, I did share with them some more reasonable reasons, like:
-‘I want to get better in running’
-‘I want to experience the running camp of Brother Colm’
-‘I want to make some awesome running, health related content in Kenya’
But inside of me, none of it felt right. It felt as if I was attaching a meaning to an action when the action happened spontaneously.
Then, on the plane to Nairobi, I had a thought: “Do I need a ‘why’? I am drawn to it, then I am trying to give it reasons. This is more of an adventure I want to be on, for the sake of the adventure.”
Looking back, I always had a clear, reasonable ‘why’ for things I did. For example, in college, I majored in physics. Understanding the physical world was fun. With the knowledge I acquired, I wanted to become a person who could solve some hard problems. I pursued to study environmental engineering at Stanford because I wanted to solve energy and water problems. In 2015, I went to Iten, because I had a clear goal to learn the secrets of Kenyan runners.
However, even after 5 weeks, I still can’t think of a reason that would clearly explain why I came here. I can’t think of a ‘because.’ Maybe, I am trying to avoid the pressure. If I don’t have a clear reason why I am here, I wouldn’t be responsible of any non-accomplished goals or unfulfilled wishes. Maybe, I am relieving myself of any responsibility of flying half the earth and spending 3 months.
I had a tendency to lead my life with only actions that have passed through examination of reason and logic. Actions that had clear ‘because.’ It worked. Following implicit rules and customs of the society has rewarded me for years. I knew how to please and interact with people. I felt safe and I was comfortable.
But at one point, living this way started feeling uncomfortable. I began to question if I was spending more time to satisfy opinions of others than mine. Things that I ‘just’ wanted to do, often got pushed down to the bottom of my priority. I was valuing expectations of the society and others a lot more than my wishes. On the surface, I was living a ‘successful’ life — at a top graduate school, healthy and fit, and a post-grad job secured. But in my mind, I kept thinking ‘Is this it?’
It’s funny how things look differently when reflected upon after some time. Although I did not know it then, going to Kenya in 2015 was an ‘unreasonable’ experiment for me. An experiment to throw my life out of the boundary that was heavily ruled by reasoning and logic. An experiment to commit to an action that had a very personal ‘because.’
Thankfully, I experienced that the life outside of that boundary was not as dangerous as I imagined it to be. I also could come back to where I was before without much trouble. Of course, I did experience going too far away from the boundary turned the excitement of the adventure into pressure and anxiety. In the end, there are reasons why we pay attention to logical reasoning when we navigate our lives.
After the initial leap, though, I kept experimenting living on the edge. The edge between my desire for a stable life and longing for adventure. For 3 years, I worked at an IT company, while experimenting with running classes and coaching in the evenings and on the weekends. I learning to dance on the edge, finding my rhythm and space around it.
I gained enough confidence from 3 years of experimentation to come back to Iten. It gave me a courage to say ‘Yes, I want to run better and I want to create remarkable content, But it is also an adventure. I am going for an adventure for 3 months.’ Three months felt long enough to really explore running world of Iten, learn from some of the best runners and coach, and commit myself to run, immerse myself into the life of Kenyan runners, and create content. It also felt short enough for me to safely come back to the life I was living (doing a fear test as provided by Tim Ferris’s helped me in the process as well). So I quit my job, packed up my stuff, and came to Iten.
Actually living and training with Kenyans, though, has been very challenging. Every day, I feel like a middle school boy playing soccer against high school boys. When we go out for a run, I always come back last. A few days ago, we went for an ‘easy’ run, and men ran 11km at 4:07min/km pace in the 2,400m altitude. I could not keep up with them. So I did my own ‘easy’ run. I focused on my form, breathing, and finished the run with 4:36min/km pace. Although I could not keep up with them, I was happy to finish the run without walking or giving up. I can feel my body adjusting to the altitude. My body and mind are getting fitter for running. I am grateful to be able to run.
Other than running, I film parts of daily life and training here, edit them, and put on YouTube and Instagram. I expected making content to be very difficult. It really is. But it’s also a lot of fun. I am learning new ways of telling stories. I quite suck at it, but I believe I will get better if I keep at it. I also started a newsletter since I came here (which you are reading now). I do feel the pressure of the deadlines and it sometimes does feel like work. But I love it. I love how it provides me time and space to reflect upon the week and share what’s on my mind with you in an intimate way. I am happy to be doing it.
In my middle school philosophy class, we once went over Socrates’s life and his famous saying, ‘Know yourself.’ At that time, I wondered “What part of myself is he referring to?” for a few minutes, then went out to play soccer with friends. Recently though, this short saying fascinates me more than ever. One can get to know oneself through various ways. I am getting to know myself by discovering myself along the edge between the familiar and the unknown. Doing so will expand my horizon. And hopefully, I will learn to dance with my own rhythm between my desire for stability and yearning for adventure.
I hope you are grateful, and living with your own rhythm, wherever you are.
Best,
Sung Woo Kim
*Above is part of 4th newsletter I send out weekly where I share running tips and my running journey in Iten, Kenya. Subscribe here: http://tiny.cc/sungwookim
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Sung Woo Kim is a runner and wellness content creator. He shares his tips and learnings through his Instagram and YouTube channel. He also offers Mindful Running and Barefoot Running classes in Seoul, South Korea. Currently, he is in Iten, Kenya, to learn from some of the best #athletes of Kenya and document his journey and their training.
Sung is a lululemon ambassador in Seoul, helping the community to lead healthy lives based on gratitude and breathing.
Sung wrote an ebook with PUBLY(https://publy.co/set/141) based on his time in Iten, Kenya, in 2015. The book is available in Korean now and the translation is almost finished.
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