When Community Hurts
How do we deal with community conflicts? Put down the gloves!
The Problem
Small towns aren't all parades and potlucks. They're about a lot of hard work, and at times, a lot of heartache. Some days that heartache comes in tragedies like vehicle or farm accidents, tornados or wildfires. But some days, it comes by the hands and mouths of our own people. And for me, that is when community hurts most.
In many kinds of disaster, our communities have an amazing ability to stick together and rebuild from the literal or figurative ashes. But in the tragedies where hurt is meted out by the community itself, it seems we are often doomed to watch our hometowns split right down the middle. It’s gut-wrenching, and it’s a problem I'm still dealing with. So bear with me as I try to hash out a few problem-solving tactics. Perhaps we can all learn something by asking “what to do when community hurts”, rather than simply standing by as our communities crumble. And broken communities are a win for no one.
It’s a tough problem. I don’t like to talk about it. But somebody needs to.
Fixing the Problem
When problems arise (and they inevitably do)…
Admit it.
Everyone knows there’s an issue. Leaders—step up and admit it. Sweeping it under the proverbial rug creates tension that inevitably explodes at the worst possible moment. Be proactive. Even if you don’t feel the blame rests on you, make the first move to find a solution. By taking that step, you have a chance to manage the problem. Get the important facts out. The sooner the truth is out, the less time gossip has to flourish. And gossip is one of the worst things to afflict small towns. Speaking of truth…
Keep it honest.
It’s our nature to present things in a way that makes us look our best. But let’s be real—nobody is perfect. Far from it. It’s ultimately in everyone’s best interests to move the process along, so, hey, why not tell the whole truth the first time and be a little more efficient?
Forgive.
I screw up a lot. And I appreciate it when those around me forgive me anyway. I'd venture a guess that at one point, most of us have had someone extend some grace our way and offer that forgiveness we may not have deserved, but certainly needed. But that’s a topic for another sermon. I've found that forgiveness seems to help the forgiver just as much (or more) than the forgiven. Either way, grudges have not been historically beneficial. As the saying goes,
Resentment is the poison we drink, hoping the enemy will die.
Don’t be Elementary, my Dear Watson
Leave first grade pettiness in first grade. Set aside personal agendas for the good of something greater than yourself. No matter how tempting it can be, there is absolutely no room for bickering, backstabbing, and blackmailing in struggling communities. Find someone to help keep you accountable for your actions, whether it be a pastor, mentor, or trusted friend. When emotions run high—and they will—make a conscious effort to keep your tongue in check (not in cheek). Words spoken in anger are rarely helpful, often hurtful.
Speak discreetly.
Go straight to the source. Don’t talk about all the gory details with Cousin Janet’s friend’s daughter’s niece. It’s a waste of time and makes a lot of unnecessary drama and mess you will have to clean up later. Keep the details down to “need to know” parties.
Work together.
It’s going to be difficult, but look for something both parties have in common. I’m no conflict guru, but I get the impression that a lot of community drama isn’t because people set out to destroy communities—it’s because they have different ideas on the way things should go. But when you get to the root of the issue, most of us just want a place to live and work and play that is healthy and vibrant. It’s rarely the ideal situation, but it’s a starting point.
Move on.
When it’s over, it’s over. Stop replaying it at the dinner table, the coffee shop, and the salon.
Play together.
Whether it’s over the color of the church pews or something much more significant, community conflict is incredibly stressful. Get through it. And then remember how to have a good time.
If you read nothing else, read this: it can be hard to live in a small town. It’s a lot of work. And when our differences threaten to break us, it can feel like giving up is the only option.
Don't do it.
I say it as much to myself as to you. Our communities desperately need someone to fight for them. Remember the things that made you love your small town. Don't lose hope. As Winston Churchill famously said,
“I am an optimist. There does not seem to be much use in being anything else.”
It’s an important discussion: how do you handle conflict in your community?
