I Feel Lost Now That I Got What I Needed
It’s the exact opposite of what I expected it to be.
I have started my journey about 5 years ago. I said I wanted to have the freedom to create the life that I want to live. I do not want to be bound by circumstances and needs. I do not want to go into the rat race and get stuck there.
So, I decided to deviate from the norm. I paved my own path and ventured out into the unknown. All I was hearing from others was that it was a “risky” move. They told me it could work out and if it did, they would absolutely be behind me. But, they were also hiding the judging glares that says, “Yeah, you could try that, but if you fail, you’re going to go at it alone.”
They were right…both ways.
People are going to be there when you’re “up” and you would see them nowhere when you absolutely have nothing. It’s the same as that old lesson that says you will have an abundance of friends when you’re rich, but when you’re the “scum,” these so-called friends would be gone in a moment.
I lived the past 5 years of my life learning this lesson. But now, I’m at the corner of my impending success.
Impending I say because I can see it. I can feel it. It’s here… just right around the corner.
I have a couple more things I needed to do to reach that level that I have set for my self, but at this point, I can’t do anything.
WHY?
Is it because I fear failing? Or, is it because I fear my very own success?
Fear of success? Is there even such a thing?
At this point that I have overcome a lot of obstacles in my life, I do not think I have a fear of failure. If I could exaggerate, I think I may even be having a familiarity with failure. Hopefully, I do not get too attached. With failure, I feel like there’s so much potential. The anger fuels me. It’s that force that pushes me and says, “Come on! Let’s prove them wrong!”
But, fear of success? Are you serious?
According to Mark McGuinness, yes there is.
Have you ever found yourself on the verge of a big success, and noticed things starting to go wrong? It begins with a feeling of agitation. The tiniest details irritate you. Reliable people start making alarming mistakes.“What’s up with them? Can’t they see how important this is? Why are they being so careless?”
This is exactly where I am right now. McGuinness added that this subconscious fear is not because I didn’t want success to happen. After all, I’ve devoted my life into reaching this dream. But, why am I afraid of reaching my own success?
It’s because of this one simple reason: success is complex.
Hugh MacLeod once wrote that failure, even though it’s hard, offers a level of comfort.
Think about it. Being a failure is a no-brainer. All you have to do is sleep till noon, get out of bed, scratch your balls, have your morning visit to the bathroom… and already you’re well on your way. Sure, a few inconvenient variables may enter the picture here and there…But for the most part, the day-to-day modus operandi of your “Average Total Failure” is quite straightforward.
However, when it comes to success, there are open possibilities. 7 a.m. meetings, angry investors, the imbalance in your life schedule and your own health. Before, you just have to worry with how you can make your dreams come true. Now, you have to maintain this dream come true. Worse, you have to be better — yet again.
There’s also this fear that you might become a new person. I’m quite an optimistic type of guy, but there’s a part of me that knows I won’t stop at nothing to reach my goals. I have both determination and skills to pull things off and this could change me drastically.
SO, NOW WHAT?
I have to tell you, I’m still feeling a little lost. I finally got the “tools” I’ve always asked for for me to make this “dream” work and now, I’m not doing anything. It’s like you were finally given a car and you don’t drive it anywhere. You just sit there and look at it all day.
However, I also realized that this is another level of battle I will need to go through. Honestly, I’ve been at it for about 7 weeks now and I still haven’t moved the car. Yes, I’ve driven it to the grocery store, but that’s all about it. I haven’t used it to reach its full potential.
Before, I was fighting external opposition, people who do not believe in me, resources and my own lot in life. Now, I’m simply fighting me.
At this point, I do not have pointers or tips to tell you how you can battle your own fear, whether its on success or failure, but there’s one thing I learned here…
It’s that action, however small, can move mountains for you.
You may feel lost today. Something’s not right. There’s this gap between where you want to go or you feel like everything’s just lost its meaning. But today, just like yesterday, do something small. Do anything. Because by simply deciding to do something means you’re finding the courage to fight your own demons, to let it know that one day, you will be strong enough to believe in yourself again and finally win.
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