On being called a c#nt in the year of pu&&ygate
He actually called me a f — king n!gger c#nt.
In one sentence we moved from conversation to warfare. To him, I was no more than a tool for male use. Interested readers can find the full story, along with my thoughts on the significance of the word n!gger in this exchange, here. In this post, as promised, I offer some thoughts regarding the “c” word in this encounter.
C#nt is more than a word; It’s a culture.
C#nt is such a specific and limiting word, defining what seems to be the only situation in which some men can tolerate a woman’s existence. My concern here isn’t simply that this happened to me but rather that it happened at all. In this c#nt culture of ours there exist verbal tools available to initiate a “take down” of half of the human race. Try as I might, and believe me I’ve tried, I cannot find a single word or phrase that devalues all men in the same way that c#nt, b!tch, wh@re (and yes, pu&&y) can be used to devalue all women. Individual men can claim offense to certain words if they choose but the specific message of c#nt culture is that “women do not matter.”
Still, most men I know would never use the “c” word. They would never consider making overtly sexist insults or decisions. Scandalous stories like Mr. Trump in his misogynistic bus conversation and the Roger Ailes’ tenure of abuse at Fox News disturb us with grotesque displays of abusive power and privilege. “Don’t be like them,” is the object lesson derived from such evil. But I submit that we are all fish IN the water of this c#nt culture. Overt poisoning might be easy to detect in such a toxic environment but avoiding contamination is impossible. Consider the example of five women on Seattle’s City Council who were subjected to sexual harassment because of votes they cast. Less obvious but still troubling is the revelation that female leaders in the White House need a strategy to ensure being heard. From the board room to the city council to the White House, we are indicted as a c#nt culture, where holding a low view of women is as normal as breathing.
“There’s really no such thing as the ‘voiceless’. There are only the deliberately silenced, or the preferably unheard.” — Arundhati Roy
As a woman living in this toxic, c#nt culture I remain ever alert, avoiding the possibility of direct physical or emotional attack. But the more subtle wounds I experience in daily interaction are equally as painful. These injuries, often incidental, leave their cumulative mark, one small bruise at a time. The name calling offender in my story was a direct emotional assault. He lobbed his verbal bomb at my humanity and value. In the aftermath he chose to apologize to my husband, not to me. This did not surprise me; his actions reflect the essence of c#nt culture. I have, however, been surprised by “good guys” who are unaware of their own contamination in this c#nt culture. I have remained silent in the face of “joking” generalizations about women. I have swallowed my frustration as well-meaning men have unintentionally spoken to me in a demeaning manner. Each time this happens in the company of men I consider “safe” I feel a little more of my humanity fade away. The damage is not only real, but it is often intensified when the “good guys” can’t see the part they play in sustaining c#nt culture.
On being a “n!gger” and a “c#nt”
It’s hard, I’m sure, for some white women to understand my circumstance as a “two-for-one” when it comes to confronting this kind of personal attack. Typically in circles where measuring diversity is a matter of surveys and checked boxes, I am welcomed as a bonus commodity. My very presence confers additional value and honor onto the system that invited (or should I say permitted?) my participation. Every participant, the surveys and checked boxes suggest, is better off because I’m in the room. I don’t get the credit or honor myself, but rather everyone else gets extra credit for being with me.
But when facing the reality of both racist and sexist bias in everyday life, I am on my own. I am a “n!gger c#nt” according to the offender in my story, twice as vulnerable, twice as denigrated. White, female warriors who would join me in raging against the sexist cultural machine cannot travel this particular road. For all of the gender-specific challenges that we share it remains true that my white girlfriends have more privilege and access to power than I do. They apply for positions, loans and apartment leases free of racist attitudes and abusive, racially discriminatory practices. They are not subjected to demeaning assumptions about their lack of success in life based on a first glance. When we walk into the school principal’s office they receive a smile and a welcome while I receive a raised eyebrow, that is, until I reveal that I’m a college graduate. We are partners in one battle, but I am besieged on two sides.
It is tempting to avoid acknowledging the differences in the experiences of black and white women with a “We’re all in this together” attitude. But if we are to right the wrongs in our sexist culture together we must tell the whole truth. Truthfully, the history shared by black and white women is more reflective of the pragmatic nature of an abusive “‘I’ll call you when I need you” boyfriend. Consider as an example our national celebration of women’s suffrage and the ratification of the 19th Amendment. Our social media feeds flood with celebratory reminders on August 26th, “Women’s Equality Day,” as if all women won the right to vote by working in partnership. The truth is that Ida B. Wells and other black suffragists were welcomed to join the fight alongside white women, as long as “alongside” meant in a segregated unit in the suffragists’ march. From our place, at the back of the line, African American women fought a longer and life-threatening battle for fuller inclusion into the American story. There is so much more to say here, but not enough time.
On taking action in the middle of a culture storm
When c#nt culture becomes an unchallenged foundation for running a household, a business or a government we are all in trouble. Make no mistake, there is no way to remain neutral in this current cultural dialogue. Whether you are male or female you are either helping to dismantle the system that devalues women or you are strengthening the system with your silence. There is a broad, national conversation taking place right now. But the most important part of this conversation will take place at your dinner table. Our boys and girls need a new normal. It’s going to take a lot of work, but the only way they will get a better future is if we ALL get to work, together.
