TWO GOOD REASONS RUSSELL WESTBROOK SHOULDN’T BE MVP

(Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

It seems like EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER want to CROWN Oklahoma Thunderbolts Point Guard Russell Westbrook the NBA MVP These Days. But they’re ALL just ignoring FUNDAMENTALS and FACTS. AND PEOPLE THAT IGNORE FUNDAMENTALS AND CARFAX™ TEND TO END UP LOOKING LIKE NIC CAGE OR SOME SHIT.

But don’t you worry your pretty little head. I’m here to help you avoid fucking up like that. Let’s take a look at two factors that should UNQUESTIONABLY VOID Russell Westbrook’s MVP candidacy.

ISSUE #1: FUNDAMENTALS

As I was watching The Oklahoma City Westbrooks play the Houston Rockets a couple of Sundays ago, Russ did this:

He dropped the ball. That’s a violation of the fundamental HUMAN RIGHTS of how basketball should be played.

UNFORGIVABLE DROPS like this seem to happen at least once in every NFL game. Let’s say the passer is Aaron Rodgers and the intended receiver is Jared Cook or some other player who seems to drop EVERY OTHER FUCKING PASS/ that someone tries to throw/ their lousy, no-good fucking ass. Here’s how this usually works out:

1. Aaron Rodgers decides to attempt a forward pass to Jared Cook

2. Aaron Rodgers attempts a forward pass to Jared Cook (For the purposes of this exercise, let’s assume this pass to Cook is perfectly accurate)

3. Jared Cook realizes a forward pass has been thrown which is intended for him

4. Jared Cook, a very small amount of seconds or milliseconds before the forward pass will be in his catch neighborhood (the non-douchy form of “catch radius” I just created), decides he’s going to turn his eyes away from the direction from which the forward pass came

5. Jared Cook drops the forward pass attempt because he decided not to look ‘er in, like the unpolished kinch he is

6. Aaron Rodgers goes to Cook’s house while he’s sleeping and kidnaps his wife and/or children, tying them up in a pitch-dark room until Cook hits the JUGS Machine for a good hour

Now, I’ll have you know that I’ve put this GIF (I might be the only human being on the planet that pronounces it G-I-F. A few years ago, a pseudo-hot topic was whether you pronounce “GIF” with a soft- or hard- G, and I didn’t give enough shits to figure out which way I did. Lo and behold, I was (and still am) on a remote island with my pronunciation, kinda like brainwashed Japanese soldiers who were still posted up in South Pacific bunkers 30 years after World War II ended, maybe tryna send a few bullets across the bow of that passing cruise ship. All right, as I was saying: “I’ve put this GIF”…) into manual frame-by-frame mode a decent number of times, and I can’t tell whether his error was failing to look the ball in, like Cook’s was above, or if it was something else.

But either way, it’s an error in FUNDAMENTALS and COMPLETELY INEXCUSABLE.

Moving on, MY SPECIAL HELPER AT SCHOOL ONCE TAUGHT ME THAT FACIAL EXPRESSIONS CAN SOMETIMES SHOW EMOTION. Russell Westbrook’s drop ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED his teammates. You could see in their FACIAL EXPRESSIONS:

LEFT: Guard Alex Abrines can’t mask his emotion after teammate Russell Westbrook dropped a pass. RIGHT: Brussell Westbrook, Russell’s twin brother and teammate, is visibly distraught after Russell stonehanded a catch.

Folks, when you don’t execute FUNDAMENTALS, everything goes to SHIT. The NBA MVP CANNOT be this fundaMENTALLY UNSTABLE.

ISSUE #2: HISTORY

Athletes that are good at one sport are often good at another, right? For example, Michael JACKSON, widely considered the greatest basketball player of all of time, was also a SUPERB Double-A baseball player. Seagulls TE Jimmy Graham played basketball at Miami (FL), IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW. In other “IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW” news, Patriots WR Chris Hogan played lacrosse in college. Lacrosse. How exotic!!!!!! NFL commentators were only too eager to relay that fact during the 2016 season, and I blame fucking Jim Nantz for that. That dude is trite as hell and deserves the blame whether he said it or not.

Anyways, because athletes frequently excel at more than one sport, the sports are OBVIOUSLY similar.

SO WHY DOES GUARD RUSSELL WESTBROOK DESERVE TO WIN NBA MVP WHEN NO GUARD HAS EVER WON NFL MVP??!!

There have been 49 AP NFL MVP Awards handed out since the AFL-NFL merger in 1970 (two seasons had co-s). Here’s the position-by-position breakdown:

Quarterback: 33, Running Back: 13, Linebacker: 1, Defensive Tackle: 1, Kicker: 1 (1982. “Very good year!”)

HOW MANY GUARDS DO YOU SEE ON THAT LIST?! THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT! DOUGHNUTS!

As far as I can tell, only one guard has received an MVP vote since the merger: the Miami Dolphins’ Larry Little. It was a single vote out of 30. Apparently Rams guard Duane Putnam got one (of 36) in ’57, too, but that was pre-merger. (My source for this is a blog called MVP Voting, and for the sake of humanity, I hope it’s doing one of its only jobs correctly. The site seems pretty well-researched and everything looks correct to me, though.)

CONCLUSION

In this article, I PROVED that Russell Westbrook does not deserve the NBA MVP Award because he does not give a FUCKING SHIT about FUNDAMENTALS. IN ADDITION, no NFL GUARD has ever won the MVP Award, so why should an NBA GUARD? Sportz are VERY SIMILAR and that scenario would make less sense than a male WALLABY having SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with a female FLYING FISH, causing the FLYING FISH to give birth to a DOGBIRD.

Ah, the majestic DogBird. (humandescent.com)
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