Lessons From 74 Years Of Life — A Fireside Chat With Dr Wan
Written by Velda Wong
Edited by Sean, Riccia Lim, Jacob Yeo
Background of Dr William Wan
Dr Wan decided to study law because he felt motivated by the idea that justice is important. This was the reason why in his law practice, he did litigation. He also did some pro bono criminal work, where he felt that criminal law is an area where justice is more binary. He left law for the Singapore Kindness Movement (SKM) because he felt a sense of calling that it was the appropriate time to make this career switch. Dr Wan’s illustrious career involves 15 years of experience as a lawyer and 35 years leading various Non-Profit Organisations (NPOs) as an advisor and board member. He is also a regular speaker at public events and churches, and a published author of articles and books.
Recently, on behalf of SAGE, I had the invaluable opportunity to travel to Dr Willian Wan’s warm abode where he graciously spent close to two hours sharing his life experiences with me. There were a few key takeaways that spoke to me deeply. While they may not be entirely novel ideas, I hope they will open your mind or minimally, serve as a timely reminder for you as you navigate through life.
Caveat: Dr Wan’s words were opportune and struck a chord with me as I recently had a misunderstanding with someone whom I hold close as a confidant.
1. “Reading makes the human” — Sir Francis Bacon
When asked about his hobbies and self-care habits, Dr Wan shared that he enjoys reading a variety of topics for personal and professional development. However, Dr Wan is of the opinion that as people increasingly navigate away from books, there is a loss of opportunity for sharpening their minds. Dr Wan’s worry about the impact of reduced reading is well supported by research, which shows that reading benefits our mental health [1], and those benefits can last a lifetime. Did you know that reading can help to reduce stress by up to 68% [2]?
In contrast, research has shown that prolonged TV viewing, a common substitute for reading, may adversely affect one’s verbal memory (ability to recall what you read or hear) [3]. While these findings delight the avid reader in me, they also serve as a reminder for myself as I have found myself reading less since starting work. Nonetheless, I still read regularly, and I encourage all of us to do the same by consciously aiming to read a few pages each day.
PS: My reading habit was cultivated in primary school where we used to have silent reading sessions in between classes and before lessons. I fondly remember sitting in the hall or the assembly square reading during morning assembly. My inertia in transitioning to e-books or kindle is due to my strong habit of needing to underline or highlight key points in the book and wanting to relish the enjoyment of being fully immersed in reading. Friends and family would always spot me with a book on the public commute, buried deep inside the world the book has transported me to. In fact, I fondly remember my seven-year-old self borrowing several books as there used to be a public library right opposite my block! For the curious reader, I was reading ‘The Secret Seven’, ‘Famous Five’, ‘Nancy Drew’ and ‘The Hardy Boys’. 😊
2. The ABCs of kindness in a relationship — always be kind to each other
I believe that everlasting friendships can stand the test of time, and relationships will only grow stronger by going through thick and thin together. While I am relieved that Dr Wan’s sharing affirms this belief, he underscores important principles for keeping love and friendship alive and for them to prevail over the most challenging obstacles. As a wedding solemniser, Dr Wan kindly shared what he thinks should be the guiding principles for strong relationships:
A is for Acceptance. Accepting the person in his or her entirety, both strengths and weaknesses.
B is for Bonding. Actively block out time and write it down in your calendar to do things together on a regular basis.
C is for Commitment. A conscious decision to making the relationship a life-long partnership.
However, Dr Wan cautioned that it is perfectly understandable that despite the best efforts of both parties, divorces still happen. Unfortunately, sometimes divorce may just be the best way forward. For instance, if there is simply no rapport or if there is a mismatch of deep-seated values, a divorce might still happen even after taking considerable efforts to make the marriage work. However, Dr Wan adds that no matter the end result, he hopes that couples should, first and foremost, begin their marriage with a commitment to keeping it strong and long-lasting.
Finally, he shares that love and kindness come hand in hand, and love is often about being willing to disagree kindly. As I reflect on the mistakes made during the times when my confidant and I could not see eye to eye, I do believe, with a tinge of regret, that we were lashing out at one another in the spur of the moment. We clearly knew that we needed to be patient with each other and knew that it was not necessary to win every single argument. Unfortunately, our emotions had gotten the better of us then.
Coincidentally, Dr Wan just wrote a commentary [4] for CNA and aptly pointed out that how we respond/behave is not only a reflection of who we are as a person, but also a mirror of our immediate environment. He concluded by calling for all readers to view the world through the lens of kindness, by being slow to judge and giving others the benefit of the doubt. Fresh out of a distasteful experience myself and armed with my fair share of misunderstandings, I have learnt to be more forgiving and to show more forbearance. Also, while I concur with Dr Wan’s insights on the need to show greater empathy and listen without prejudices, managing one’s emotions in the face of a heated argument is undeniably challenging. Nonetheless, I stand by his commentary and encourage all readers to do the same. We ought to consciously be inward-looking (self-aware) and accepting of differences.
This reminded me of a classic article [5] (my favourite since 2013!) on the importance of humility and empathy as well:
“With great privilege should come great humility. Those of us who are privileged — like me, and like Boris — should be able to find that humility. To know that we really don’t know what it’s like to live without our privilege. We can try to imagine — but we’ll never really succeed… Most of all, though, we should know when not to talk as though we had all the answers. We should know when to shut up.”
While the quote above reminds us of how to listen properly, the quote below highlights the importance of being acutely aware of our own mood:
“Pay attention to your mood. Take time to gain a keener awareness of what is going in and around you… If you are walking into any discussion with a bad mood and offloading it on the team, you are paving the way for discontent. This impacts the quality and quantity of the teams’ productivity and performance. No matter how challenging a situation, your attitude can be the sun on a cloudy day or a dark cloud shrouding the day.”
3. Practice positive reframing
Finally, Dr Wan shared that when he goes through rough patches in life, he figured that it is not so much about asking, “Why me?” or “Why must I suffer?” but rather, “What is there I can learn from this?” or “How is this going to make me stronger?” or “How can I be stronger because of this?” Dr Wan shared further that we should not spend too much time worrying, because worrying is like spending our energy on something that we can do nothing about. Worrying is akin to paying a debt we never owed and worrying may create problems that were never there in the first place.
Instead, Dr Wan suggested that we might as well spend our energy on figuring out how to solve the problem. On how he overcomes hurt from a loved one, Dr Wan said these things happen to all of us. However, we should choose to face the reality that these things happen, try to figure out why it happened, and use this experience to prevent it from happening again. Sometimes, we are simply not able to figure out why the people we love may turn against us. But at the end of it, we should always let it go gracefully, and move on. Dr Wan revealed that there was once when it took him many years before he could forgive, but even after having forgiven, he still found it hard to forget. However, he believes that “forgiving and forgetting” should not be done indiscriminately. You can forgive, but it does not mean that you should forget. Take the Holocaust, for instance, we have Holocaust museums and exhibitions to remind us what has happened in the past, so that we are cognisant that it is our duty to do whatever we can to prevent it from happening again.
Personally, I cherish relationships and devote an inordinate amount of time to building them, so I understand the deep pain some might feel when they are hurt by their loved ones. Forgiving is again, easier said than done, while forgetting is arguably taking the easy way out.
Through it all, I have learnt much from Dr Wan on navigating misunderstandings. I hope that the following timeless and poignant lessons would help all of us navigate choppy waters more calmly and graciously:
1. Focus on what you can control, let go of what you cannot.
2. Suspend judgment, strive to avoid jumping to conclusions or make any assumptions.
3. Always seek to understand the context (or backstory) of where the other party is coming from.
4. Words are powerful. It is our choice to choose whether to speak constructively or destructively.
5. Strive not to indulge in victim mentality [6].
BONUS
4. The decision-making framework for Singapore Kindness Movement (SKM)
Dr Wan shared that one of their core values is to be positive, so that when people ask SKM to do things, they do not say “No, we cannot” by default. The SKM team would instead choose to say, “Let’s look at it and see if we can”. The SKM team first asks, “Is this something within our mission?”, “Can we do it? If we can, then how do we do it? Which team to do it?”, “If we can’t, we see who else can do it and recommend it to someone else.”
SKM’s mindset inspires me to go above and beyond to serve others. I have seen how easy it is for some people to simply say “No” because saying otherwise would be taking on unnecessary work.
SKM also does the Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats (SWOT) test to figure out what SKM’s strengths and weaknesses are, how they can remain relevant and how they can fill the gap.
5. Tips for interviewees
1. Be genuine. If you are unsure about a question, admit to it as experienced interviewers can see through if an interviewee is lying.
2. Be honest. Focus on your strengths and acknowledge your weaknesses. The role of an employer is to put you where they believe you will best thrive in.
3. Do your homework. Find out more about the company through their website prior to the interview. It demonstrates your keen interest in working for the company.
4. “Do you have any questions for me?”. While not having any questions is fine, having thoughtful questions is a bonus as it further illuminates your curiosity about the company. Dr Wan shared exclusively some of the best questions he had heard.
a. “Where does Dr Wan see SKM in the next five years?”
b. “What made you join SKM yourself?”
SAGE aims to be the largest community of Apprentices and Sages. Ultimately, we hope to build meaningful connections between individuals of all ages. If you feel lost, confused or perplexed with the uncertainty of your future career or purpose, or simply need a second opinion on your life plans, we welcome you to join our family, where we connect you with Sages (Experienced Sharers), to walk alongside you in your lifelong journey.
If you have something you would like to share with others instead, we welcome you to join us as a Sage or to be our esteemed guest in our Fireside Chat Sessions.
[1] https://www.healthline.com/health/emotional-health
[2] https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/reading-stress-relief
[3] https://www.healthline.com/health-news/binge-watching-tv-can-dull-your-brain
[4] https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/commentary/mask-woman-man-mbs-mrt-mean-viral-video-online-social-media-14896536
[5] https://paulbernal.wordpress.com/2013/11/28/a-few-words-on-privilege/
