A Parent’s Guide to Sibling Rivalry

One of our best tools is to let siblings have intense and complicated feelings toward each other

Photo: juan pablo rodriguez on Unsplash

In many homes, sibling conflict tops the list of parenting challenges. It can be among the most intense, frequent, and seemingly difficult patterns to improve. As therapists, we hear moms and dads express not only frustration and helplessness but also profound sadness that their kids don’t get along. They had envisioned a different kind of family than the one emerging in their homes.

The great news is that sibling issues give your kids a chance to practice invaluable life skills. How you help your kids navigate difficult moments with each other will have an impact on their relationships for the rest of their lives.

What Causes Sibling Conflict and Rivalry?

Siblings have conflicts for many reasons — and some of these are “good” and healthy. For example:

• Siblings feel secure enough with each other to work out issues of control, leadership, identity, and communicating their needs and feelings.
• Home is a safe place to let big feelings show and to conduct experiments in social dynamics and cause and effect. (“If I say this, what will her reaction be?” “How far can I push this…