Not a day goes by without a mortal asking me:

Odin, how is it that Norse gods and goddesses raise such successful, beautiful and physically strong yet sometimes emotionally fragile children and young adults?

Just last Thorsday while taking a stroll on the Bifrost, Heimdall told me of a mommy-blogger in Midgard who asked if I’d contribute a guest post to her site: The Top Three Things All-Seeing Fathers Do To Raise Successful Heirs.

I will tell you, mortal. Because I am Odin, son of Bor, King of Asgard, Protector of the Nine Realms and, as your King, I command you to pay attention to my listicle as my advice is significantly more Godlier than a so-called Tiger Mother who doesn’t know the first thing about honorable battle.

Also, I uninstalled your “ad-blocker” because Asgard doesn’t pay for itself.

Tip #1: Follow through with your threats

You know how it is. You’re busy hanging out in your Great Hall, appreciating the peace you’ve brokered throughout the Nine Realms and enjoying quality time with the All-Mother when you hear an almighty crash, Heimdall is all rolling his eyes, and before you know it you have to discipline your children because one of them is a snake. (Worse is when your children wake you up during a well-deserved Odinsleep at the end of a long day murdering night-elves.)

Tell the child you are taking away its favorite toy, then do it. Just like puny mortal children, Asgardian Gods also form attachments to objects. My son, for example, is almost unhealthily fixated on his favorite toy.

Anyway, I digress, because I am the All-Father and I’m allowed to and I could scour all life from your world if I wanted. If your child misbehaves, you should:

  • Follow through with your threat and remove the attachment object
  • Place an enchantment on the object so that the weak child may never play with the object again until they have satisfied some parental condition like tidying up, apologizing, or meeting an abstract and unknowable definition of parental approval. A good enchantment to use is to make it impossible for the child to even pick up the object. That one is really good for encouraging the child to think about what it has done

Tip #2: Be Direct

This one time I caught Thor doing something he shouldn’t have. Because I am Norse God, I did not hold back in making sure the sniveling excuse for an offspring knew how I felt. Did you know that there are over 300 words for “unworthy” in Asgardian? And that counseling is unworthy of a Norse warrior? Here are some ways I have been direct:

  • If Thor is arrogant, I tell him he is arrogant. I have told him he is arrogant ever since he was old enough to walk. One time he asked Frigga to pass the salt and I told him he was arrogant. He has not disrespected Frigga ever since
  • If he has been stupid, I tell him he is stupid. Spending time making his hair look nice is stupid
  • If he hasn’t washed his hands after slaying a beast, I tell him he is unworthy because sometimes, you just have to draw the line

Unlike mortals, I have never given him a participation trophy (hammers don’t count). Showing up on Washing Day mornings ready to battle Frost Giants is simply what’s expected of the son of Odin, Son of Bor, King of Asgard and Protector of the Nine Realms.

Tip #3: All-Seeing Gods Know Best

As an All-Seeing God, there is no such thing as going too far. Others parents might criticize you at the playground if they see you:

  • Remove the child’s toys
  • Publicly berate the child for stupidity and rash behavior that endangers the realm (also a good time to remind the child that they are arrogant)
  • Tell the child that it is unworthy and kick it out of your house (or realm, if you control a realm) so it thinks about what it’s done

But you are an All-Seeing God! You always have a plan, and you do everything for a reason. It is totally fine to do all the above things because it is Character Building.

Disciplining the children so that they grow up to be successful, beautiful, and physically strong yet sometimes emotionally fragile norse gods and goddesses may seem too difficult for a mortal, and it just might be. Anyway, you don’t need to worry about your adopted children, just your biological children.

The adopted ones will probably turn out fine.