The air was surprisingly thin for a beach town and I was 2 A.M.-drunk (in the real world, it was about four in the afternoon). I stumbled through Rockaway, Queens looking for my friend Matt’s house, physically and emotionally lost. “Green Eyes” was looping on my iPod in remembrance of the ex who’d broken up with me twenty hours prior and who did not have green eyes, but close enough.
Matt had invited me to his hometown’s St. Patrick’s Day celebration after my boyfriend abruptly put the kibosh on our relationship the day before. I wanted to leave get out of town, so in the morning four of us piled into Matt’s car and drove to his house where his mom made us breakfast and took our picture, all colleged and cute. Cut to six hours later: me, rip-roaring wasted, wandering around Queens under the influence of Coldplay. Eventually I found Matt’s house (and my friends), and after a group Chinese food order was placed, I crawled upstairs to my accommodations — Matt’s brother’s bedroom — where a bunk bed and a desktop fought over me. Which would I give myself to?
I was looking for something, so I turned to the computer and then to Myspace, the way one looking for something in 2013 might turn to Instagram or Twitter or Facebook or wherever the person who just broke their heart might leave a clue, some sort of status update, some thing that says, I’m hurting too.
And I found it. My ex had written a private blog twenty minutes earlier, and oh, but “private” does not mean what you think it means, because I knew his password and he knew I knew his password, and this was obviously written not for him but for me, so I logged into his account and read it. I read the thing he left for me to find, the breakup Easter Egg, the manifesto confessing he didn’t know why he’d broken up with me, that he still loved me, that he was questioning his decision and that this might’ve been the biggest mistake of his life. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever written about me.
We were back together five hours later. His blog post was struck from the record shortly thereafter.