If you’re going to a party in San Francisco, you’ll need two things: your Patagonia fleece and an ability to make casual cocktail conversation about blockchain technology. Your first five minutes will be spent talking about the obscene housing market, followed by chest puffing about crypto exchanges and the next new application of distributed networks. Upwardly mobile brogrammers love to explain blockchain to the uninitiated.
What follows is undoubtedly the best way to explain this exciting new technology at parties, especially parties where people arrive on motorized skateboards and tend make a sport out of superiority. Blockchain can be understood by anyone—it just isn’t always presented in a way that’s interesting or relevant to some people’s lives.
In an effort to do just that, I ask you to imagine a marketplace of dick.
In this marketplace, we all belong to a network that allows us to trade dick and keep a complete record of all dick activity. The Cockblockchain is a network of computers that all have the same record of dick use. In this way, it is decentralized, meaning that no one computer or person holds the records of dick transactions. As a dick gets traded from user to user, it is time-stamped and encrypted, creating a complete history of all dick activity. When you have an interaction with a dick, you can access it through a private key, which only you have. As the rider of the dick, you may add new information about it, and the history will be updated in real time across the network. Nothing attributed to the dick can ever be taken away. That is to say, the dick has a permanent, unerasable, documented record.
This is the Cockblockchain.
While the audit trail of any given dick is unerasable and public, the users are pseudonymous. While the Cockblockchain is pseudonymous in nature, it might be possible to tell that a particular user has reviewed a particular number of dicks on the chain, and if their opsex is bad, their identity could be outed.
What makes this accounting/accountability of dicks secure is that it is not held or overseen by any one entity. There is no bank of dick that can be hacked. There is also no court of dick or dick state that can interfere or intervene. Instead, there is a network of peers that validate each dick transaction. These distributed peers do not need to trust each other in order to preserve this ledger of dick, but rather they can trust in the transparency of the system. In the Cockblockchain, this means not having to place all your confidence in one previous dick user’s review on Yelp; rather, you can relax knowing that all previous users have had their chance to add information to the ledger — no one can fake transactions, and everyone is watching. Think of the time and energy you might spend online looking for evidence of the provenance of a dick or deciding if you consider its last user to be a trustworthy source. This technology increases the speed and security of trading dicks.
The public transparency of the ledger could, in and of itself, have radical consequences. If, for instance, in reading the history of a given dick, you decided that dick was not for you, you could boycott specific dicks or divest from dicks altogether. Some argue that this would allow you to clear bad actors out of the system. This is the Cockblockchain.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself: Is this technology scalable? Surely there are more dick transactions than you can keep track of. While today’s computer networks can log only three to 20 transactions per second, those figures are improving daily. One could imagine that there are many possible applications and outcomes for a ledger of dick. Some say it could revolutionize health care, some hope it will destabilize entrenched power structures, and others dream of a day when we trust each other more than we trust what any one dick has to say at a party.