Our Wedding Is Canceled Due to the Following Strongly-Held Beliefs
Hi, everyone. I know you weren’t expecting to see Keith and I out here so soon, but we have some bad news. We’re not getting married today.
Believe me, we were really looking forward to it, but recently — this morning, in fact — we learned our blessed event was in direct conflict with the strongly-held beliefs of many of the people providing our wedding services. And if they’re not happy, we’re not happy.
Let me bring you up to speed.
You may have noticed the empty display table by the reception tent as you filed in. That’s where our wedding cake would have been. For our baker, however, creating a cake to be employed in the marriage of two men would be the moral equivalent of using communion wine to make sangria.
We knew the risks when enlisting Give Us This Beignet, Our Daily Bread as our wedding baker. They’re the best in downtown Aurora, no question — sorry, Wild-Flour! — but their beliefs on same-sex marriage are no secret. We hoped they might get swept up in the joy of the occasion but last night their chief baker Jonah, applying the final bit of piping, had a vision of Billie Jean King physically dragging him away from the gates of Heaven. And if that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is.
I should add, it may not have helped that we requested our little cake figurines be surrounded by an added semi-circle of figurines, in likenesses of the bakery staff, giving us the thumbs-up.
But that’s all done with. They’ve made their wishes clear and we respect them.
Which brings me to the empty vases alongside the pews and the empty centerpiece bowls on the reception tables. We’ve known Joyce Gantz, owner of Rest On My Laurels, for years; I couldn’t imagine this day without her. What I couldn’t know was the war raging within Joyce, fervent Catholic, after she learned of the meat-laden Friday barbecues Keith and I throw for our softball team. Last night, Joyce looked deep within her heart to ask, can I lend my good name to this cursed union?
The dumpster full of imported delphinium behind Joyce’s shop can tell you the answer.