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People We Shouldn’t Eat

Warning: Some friendships may cause heartburn and indigestion

Robert Cormack
Jul 24, 2018 · 5 min read
Photo by Jake Davies on Unsplash

“I won’t eat Cass/ She gives me gas/ I won’t eat Wheezy/ She makes me queasy/ I won’t eat Dirk/ He makes me burp/ And I won’t eat Leigh/ ’Cause she won’t eat me!”

Robert Cormack

We all have friends who shouldn’t be friends. They’re deceptive, selfish, and frequently late. If they weren’t our friends, we wouldn’t talk to them at all. We’d rather cross the street or move to another country. Paraguay is overrun with people hiding from their friends. So’s Florida, for that matter.

With this in mind, I’ve created a list of ways to avoid lousy friends. I call it: “People We Shouldn’t Eat.” Consider it a dietary guide to better friendships.

Let’s look first at people we shouldn’t ever consider eating. Take the woman from Cornwall, Ontario, who rented a car for a day’s shopping. She picked up a Nissan at a local rental agency, went to Walmart, ran a few errands, then brought the car back.

At the rental desk, she complained about garbage on the car floor and golf clubs in the trunk. When the clerk checked the rental agreement, it showed she’d taken a Nissan Sentra. What she brought back was an Infiniti.

As dumb as this sounds, it proves that your car keys probably work in forty percent of the vehicles in any Walmart parking lot.

“All you hunters who kill animals for food. Why can’t you go to the store and buy meat that was made there?”

Anyway, what makes this woman inedible is she’s a walking enchilada. She’ll keep you on the phone for hours, giving bizarre reasons why she keeps driving off in other people’s cars. Eventually she’ll be charged, and she’ll call you, because you’re a friend, and friends are supposed to be there when you wind up in court for doing something that defies all logic or reason.

Then there are friends who join every discussion on Facebook, like the guy who wrote this: “All you hunters who kill animals for food. Why can’t you go to the store and buy meat that was made there?”

Someone wrote the following response: “Folks, just remember as you read this, he probably drives, votes and may have already reproduced.”

You’d think someone would’ve set him straight, but obviously no one has, and now he’s raising children who think hot dogs are what you get when you pluck a dog. In any case, this person will cause no end of acid reflux, and you’ll be popping antacids until stores actually do make meat.

If they don’t rot your brain with their awesomeness, they’ll rot your stomach. Don’t eat these people.

Now let’s move on to the trickier cases, the friends who come across as delicious and easy to digest. Every day, they’re either doing something “amazing” or “awesome,” like frosting the tips of their hair or wearing lots of pink. Pink reminds them (and us) of icing. Icing is made of sugar. Sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine.

Eating these friends is bad for your health from every perspective. If they don’t rot your brain with their awesomeness, they’ll rot your stomach. Don’t eat these people.

My favorite is the guy who started dating a veterinarian in Dayton, Ohio. Her idea of a joke was telling him she’d kill his dog. When they broke up, she said she really intended to kill his dog. Family members suggested he report this woman to the Dayton police. He didn’t, and now he can’t find his dog.

A good rule of thumb here is, don’t eat veterinarians.

At this point, you’re probably asking yourselves, “Well, who can I eat?” The answer can be found in the definition of friendship provided by Marlene Dietrich: “It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”

Having said that, friendship also works in reverse. They get to call you at 4 a.m. Since most of us are still sleeping, it takes one hell of a friend to wake us up without expecting to be punched in the face.

More importantly, who’s even interested in eating at 4 a.m.? Friendship, therefore, is the person you don’t mind eating at some ungodly hour, or at least taking out to an all-night pancake house.

Your stomach wasn’t meant to digest people who kill dogs or can’t distinguish a Sentra from an Infiniti.

True friends, in other words, are the ones who don’t give you heartburn or indigestion, and rooting them out is as easy as asking the question: “Who can I eat—or at least call—at 4 a.m. without being punched in the face?”

This constitutes the dietary guide to friendship. Make a list of your friends, noting what you like or don’t like about them, then ask yourself: “Do these people give me acid reflux? Would I get heartburn if they rang while I was sleeping?”

If the answer is yes, then they’re inedible. Your stomach wasn’t meant to digest people who kill dogs or can’t distinguish a Sentra from an Infiniti.

Our stomachs, to be perfectly blunt, are the true deciding factor where relationships are concerned. Even someone who sets our hearts aflutter may still cause cramps and nausea over an extended period of time. If you’re reaching for Tums every time the phone rings, scratch that person off your “to eat” list.

Cutting back on the lazy, inconsiderate, self-serving ones is like cutting back on carbs. Do we really need a lot of carbs?

Oprah Winfrey made an interesting comment: “Lots of people want to ride in your limo, but how many will take the bus with you when your limo breaks down?” That person is obviously the most edible, since true friendship is based on loyalty. As Larry Flynt said: “A true friend would die for you, so when you start counting them on one hand, you don’t need any fingers.”

If we’re willing to improve our diets, why not our friends? Cutting back on the lazy, inconsiderate, self-serving ones is like cutting back on carbs. Do we really need a lot of carbs? A few less carbs, a few less friends. It’s not so hard when you set a goal to eat healthier.

Sure, there’s discipline involved. Over time, though, you’ll realize that a balanced diet of good friends really works.

Some people will read this thinking it can’t be done. All of us fall back on foods we love, especially the stuff we know is unhealthy. Sticking to a strict diet is tough, but we see the benefits in the end. We’re leaner, we have more energy, and our teeth aren’t rotting from people who dress in pink.

Now, sure, there’s discipline involved. Over time, though, you’ll realize that a balanced diet of good friends really works. All it takes is willpower and remembering what it was like eating antacids every time the phone rang.

Good friends are simply more digestible. Consider it healthy eating.

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