Top 7 Most Innovative Features of Apple’s New Flagship Phone

What you REALLY need To know about the iPhone 7

By Evan Velasquez and Christopher Rosato, Jr.

With the release of Apple’s highly anticipated iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus, there are many features that have truly revolutionized the product for returning fanatics, setting it apart from previous generations.

Knowing how much of your own time you would have to waste to figure out these extreme changes, we’ve made it easier and compiled a list of the top seven monumental changes coming to the new iPhone.

1. Once You Go Jet Black, You’ll Never Go Back!

What’s the first thing you notice when you see somebody carrying an iPhone? The color, obviously! That’s why Apple has introduced a new color for the iPhone 7: Jet Black.

Jet Black is completely different from any Black Apple has ever engineered. Just look how far we’ve come from the iPhone 3G’s Black:

From afar, the iPhone 7 might look like an iPhone 4 — or just about any other black phone, but once you’re close enough to someone holding the 7, the difference is clear. After all, Apple has always encouraged real human-to-human interaction. Who knows, Jet Black just might be the color that lands you your first friend.

2. Goodbye, Edges!

Apple completely overhauled the production process for the iPhone 7. The result: a near-seamless surface with completely rounded edges that blends the glass screen and aluminum case better than that BeautyBlender in your makeup bag.

The new design is perfect for parents of teenagers who are always cracking their screens. Now, instead of having to pay to get the screen fixed every three months, they’ll just have to buy their child an entirely new iPhone 7!

3. More Courage than the Cowardly Dog and Lion Combined!

With the tremendous outcry from customers saying that the headphone jack is a gigantic waste of space (and frankly, a lint collector), Apple finally bowed to the will of the public and abolished it. However, if you’re still stuck in the past and using headphones that don’t have a lightning connector, Apple has you covered with an adapter (that doesn’t look like weird alien sex at all).

Though Apple hasn’t announced one yet, a lightning splitter allowing you to charge your iPhone 7 while listening to music has to hit shelves soon. Remember how you used to be the cool kid on the school bus with the headphone splitter that allowed your best friend to listen to your iPod Shuffle with you? Now, you’ll be the hipster in the public bus station listening to your own band’s Spotify mix while charging your phone at one of the outlets!

4. The Most Advanced Earbuds You’ll Ever Lose

If you don’t want to have to worry about plugging in your headphones and your charger at the same time, you can switch to wireless headphones. Available in late October, the Apple AirPods will run you $159, and connect to iCloud instantaneously. The lack of wires eliminates the aggravating chore of untangling your headphones, and the extremely conspicuous design means nobody will ever think you’re talking to them while you’re on a hands-free call.

And if you happen to somehow lose one of your AirPods, don’t worry! The iPhone 7’s improved camera flash is 50% brighter, so looking under your bed has never been easier. But if worse comes to worst, the AirPods are programmed to recognize when only one AirPod is being used and send all of the audio to one of your ears so that you can still have the full listening experience!

5. Save Money on Rice, The iPhone 7 is Toilet-Proof!

How many times have you been sitting on the toilet, mindlessly scrolling through Twitter, when you innocently click on a new trending topic, like #McChicken?

As your entire half-naked body goes into shock, you lose control of the very hand holding your expensive phone. You hear an unintended “PLOP”, followed by an extremely unpleasant splash of cold water.

Now, if you’re using anything other than the new water and dust resistant iPhone 7 — or almost any other high end phone released in the past two years — you’re pretty much screwed. If you are using the nearly indestructible iPhone 7, you can bravely reach down into your bowl and clean that sucker with soap and water. TAH-DAH! Good as new and no need to fetch the rice!

6. Two in the Back, One in the Front.

Apple’s design team has always tended to stay on the minimalist side of the spectrum with ALL their products. Simple, sleek, and boring. This year they strayed from the path of the lesser and decided to do something completely different with their rear-facing camera… or… cameras. That’s right. PLURAL.

Exclusive to the “Plus” edition of the iPhone 7, there will be a second camera, so the first one doesn’t get lonely. You can look up all the technical jargon anywhere else, but like Apple, it’s simple. With twice as many cameras, you can take pictures that are twice as good. You’ll get twice as many Instagram likes, make you look twice as attractive, and make your pumpkin spice latte seem twice as… basic…

7. The Home Button of the Future!

With physical buttons becoming more and more outdated, iPhone users began to riot at the fact that Apple was still using such primitive technology. Buttons that click? What are we, neanderthals? After years of countless complaints, Apple finally listened and made some big changes.

It looks the same. It functions the same. But it’s SO MUCH BETTER. If you want to activate it, you simply press down on it with slightly less force than you would with the old, obsolete button. This may seem insignificant to many uneducated non-iPhone users, but with all that prevented strain on your thumbs, you’ll now have the strength to throw more Pokeballs than ever before!

Finally, with so many great features, $649 for the iPhone 7 is an absolute steal. Plus, if you join Apple’s iPhone Upgrade Program, for only $40 a month, you’ll be first in line for all of the great new features that next year’s phone will have! After all, when next year’s iPhone is released, your iPhone 7 will basically be worthless.

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