She’s Not Me
An ode to the uncomplicated woman I will never be.
It’s been 20 years of loathing all the Ians and Lilys of my life. It’s always embarrassing when I go down this rabbit hole of finding out who this fucking Ian or Lily is. Ian/Lily of course being an ex’s new partner. I glob on to whatever information I can get. A first name, the make/model of their vehicle, the fact that they unironically (and not in an act of counter-protest against gay white privilege) eat at homophobic establishments. I can easily obsess over a Lily who drives an A4 and eats at Chick-fil-a.
Does she even know the difference between a blended scotch and a single malt?
Does she speak up and reclaim her space when someone is rude to her?
Does she know the 5 French mother sauces?
Does she go down on you in a theater?
Obviously, nobody wants to be “left”. Except I actually don’t mind it if my partner left me for someone who can do all of that. I have no problem admitting when I am the one worth leaving.
But to go from me to someone who is the opposite of me; that’s something I have never been able to cope with.
“If he wanted that, I don’t get how he was ever with me. Did it not work because I wasn’t what he wanted? Or did he change what he wanted, because of what I am?”
Because I am super complicated. I’m emotional, confrontational, and I make things happen for myself rather than waiting for them to happen (or worse, depending on others). All of that pushes a lot of people away.
I wonder what is it like to be an uncomplicated woman. Do they actively recruit you or do you just say “fuck it, sign me up!” and settle for whatever the patriarchy has in store for you? What is it like to not express opinions, is it because your voice isn’t heard or is it internalized that your opinion doesn’t matter? Do you even acknowledge your own pleasure?
That’s just not me.
I’m challenging and need to be challenged. I thrive when I can have it all, which is why polyamory is my chosen lifestyle. I want autonomy and novelty, but I also want commitment and stability. Mostly I want to be loved the way I love which is similar to keeping a finicky plant alive, needing not too much and not too little to keep it alive.
My selfishness benefits me but it often benefits the people I surround myself with. So when someone chooses the uncomplicated woman over me, I spend weeks, months, and now decades trying to understand why. It’s a curse.
