These breakup songs make sense again
(And I really wish they didn’t)
Despite what my Spotify history says, I’m okay. I have a history of failed relationships so I’ve acquired a library of break-up songs that I’m reconnecting with these days. But this of course feels heavier than anything I’ve ever felt before. This is the one I really never thought I’d have to experience.
When I tell people that we’ve been non-monogamous from the beginning, it’s half-true. The textbook terms and definitions were never discussed. We despised labels and took comfort in doing what felt right to us. It meant we would always share everything openly and honestly, including other partners. We had an openness that other people envied and it put me on such a power trip that I thought we could survive everything.
I’ve written a lot about our relationship over the last 8 years but the one piece I remember the most was titled, “Farewell Fiona.” It was a naive and arrogant ode to all the heartbreaking songs I used to cling on to, which I vowed never to relate to again. I signed off my then-blog with that, swearing I had found my happiness and that it was time to retire from writing because nobody wants to read about my pursuit of being the perfect (hot)wife.
And here I am writing about the dissolution of my marriage, the disappointment I feel in myself, and the pain of having my dream home be empty. Everything feels empty. His stuff is scattered. It’s interesting what gets left behind, all the things that he doesn’t need in his life anymore, including me.
The elephant in the room is that we are each in very siloed relationships with other people. Everyone, myself included, wants to know… was polyamory a catalyst? What role did spending time with others play in this? Did we just fall completely out of love because we were both falling for other people? Did I not do enough to protect my marriage? I am devastated with guilt and doubt. I want to pull the plug on everything. I question myself, including my ability to be in any functional relationship. It feels like 2008 again. I took off to another country after my last breakup to force myself to be alone for the summer. The last few weeks, I’ve been wanting to change my February trip and leave LA for a while. I drafted an email but I couldn’t delete it fast enough. I know I can’t run away from this.
So I write my way out. And overwhelm with honesty.
Welcome to the Polyamorist’s Guide to Divorce.
