About a time
The one that you always keep, the one that bothers you…
I have never realized the way of life goes on and on, whether is it written on your forehead or planted there in your soul. I thought we all know what it is, I just don’t understand why do I have to do it in the first place. I was pretending to master my own mind and control it, the way I like it.
This is the time when I finally reach adult life, I don’t understand, I really don’t. I was hoping someone writes a book about “do’s or don’t”. It could be better if I understand life before even started.
I was different, I don’t fit in with anybody around, I thought I was. My life began with a misunderstanding, I literally don’t have a father figure who could help me to answer every question. I am not blaming him for not being able to present and guide his children. My mom told me the situation when I was a kid, I and my brothers understand what he was doing, so we never questioned him why, or even gave him pressure about life. He is like a missionary, we were able to meet him 3 months every 3 years, He is actually allowed to take annual leave, 30 days per year, but he doesn’t one to spend 30 days only, so he decided to keep it for 3 years and go back home. Mom always receives a letter from him every month, which is very hard to understand, but that is a real-life long-distance relationship by country.
Nobody will understand our feelings, my feeling, cause we all have different paths and different ways of thinking. The way I lived is not even close to the one I plan.
CHAPTER 1- DAYDREAM
21st November 2003, a beautiful morning along with heavy rain, it’s the day when you finally have the freedom to decide. Living in a tropical country, you can only expect 2 seasons, dry season or wet rainy season. I always thought school sucks, having a good reason to not go is a big deal, and heavy rain is one of them. One of my happiness is when mom agrees with my decision and usually, she is the one who tells me to not go because of the weather, Oh yeah, I didn’t go to school and I could spend my day the way I like it. I don’t really play with my brothers, I have 3 brothers, and I just spent some of my time playing with them. I have a 1970s old radio that mom and her sister bought when she was a kid, I kept it in my room so that I could switch it on, and stared at my window while enjoying the fresh air. As a kid, I have no interest in video games, I did play with Nintendo or PlayStation, but it doesn’t bother me at all. Unlike others, I listen to random songs played on the radio and read a magazine, I am pretty sure that I am not into music as well, but I enjoy it. I have never known the singer or the musician, nor understand the genre of music. When I play randomly, I switched it and I actually searching the songs that relax me. It was mostly jazz, blues, and some instrumental, and I heard french classic songs even though I don’t understand them, in fact, I don’t care if I have to know the songs themselves.
The first day at school is scarier than a nightmare, I have school orientation for a week and I am afraid that no one’s going to talk to me or make friends with me. It’s a new school, and barely any people know me from the previous school. I acted like other kids, trying to be friendly and look stronger than before, the reason? it’s because I got bullied by some of the kids. I wasn’t a freak or a weirdo, I was just feeling better being alone and quiet.
I expected what I expect on the first day at school, zero conversation, none of them want to talk to me, and not even the senior wanted to bully me. So I just observe the situation and just participate in the activity without socializing. I was wrong, I thought that I don’t have to speak or ask, my worst nightmare approaching me slowly, I have to introduce myself in front of everybody in the classroom! Oh, Allah, am I sleeping, please wake me up, I don’t want to do it. I remember when I was in elementary, I cried when we have to read our own essays in front of everybody, and everyone in the class laughed at me, it hits me so badly, and I didn’t go to school the next day.
As I acted to be different, I encourage myself to do it, I was nervous, but I did it, and luckily no one cares.
When people go to the cafeteria at lunchtime, I go to the place that nobody will ever come, I brought my own lunchbox so that I am saved from the crowd, I had lunch by myself wondering if I ever survive for 3 more years at school without compromising how will I survive.
The next day I started to realize that maybe this is it, this is going to last forever.
And the bells rang “ding-a-ling”
Everybody leaves the classroom and towards the basketball court, I was wondering but I really don’t want to leave.
The teacher calls me out, “Hey Liam, you should go, you know just join with the others”. “Alright!” I said forcefully.
“WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” people yelled.
“Gosh!, what they are up to in there? I said.
So I joined them, in the crowded people are cheering, I have no idea what happened, I started to go further, and suddenly I am thrilled! that is the Cheerleaders team practicing in front of all students. And they’re all so gorgeous, I honestly love seeing girls dancing, or cheering, it’s entertaining.
After some time, I realized there is someone I knew, one of the seniors, and she was my neighbor, the sister of the only friend I have when I was in kindergarten, they moved away, by the way, their parents divorced and I have never seen them ever since.
As usual, it doesn’t matter if I’m in class or outside, no one wants to talk to me or has any interest until when I walk through the corridor, someone from behind calls my name,
“Liam! Hey!” She said, and I look back and says “Oh dear…Hi!”
“I didn’t know that you are in this school,” I said.
“Well, it’s been a while, our family moved back to this city three years ago, but my brother is not coming, he stays with grandma there.” She says.
We were talking till we were back in the class, and everybody started seeing me when I talked with her, at first I don’t really care at all, but somehow it affects my daily social life.
Since I have been talking with the most popular girl in school, people come to me and keep asking about her, and how do I know her especially those who are just regular kids and the unpopular group to get to know her better. I have always told them that I know nothing about her, somehow it annoys me a lot, but I kinda feel happy to have people around and willing to talk to me.
I personally struggled with meeting new people, It just feels so awkward being with them, there’s an unnatural act of trying to be fit when deep down my heart doesn’t want it.
Middle school social wasn’t that bad, I met my best friend when I got interested to join the basketball team, and ever since I met Lucy my childhood best friend’s sister I got little confidence to try harder to be around the cool kids. I wish that Lucy is a freshman like me so that I don’t have to do this, unfortunately, she is a senior and just graduated recently.
Riki is one of the kids whom I thought he’ll be got bullied a lot, he’s shorter and skinnier than everyone, but he is a brave kid, and he wanted to be better. The first day at the court for practicing, I felt a lack of confidence, the reason is because of the other kids, they are magnificent, all know how to play perfectly, and they do like a basketball pro player, me? I have no idea! the only sports I play it’s just soccer and badminton, but I choose basketball because of all the cool kids there.
It was Riki who came towards me first, in my mind I kept saying because it was so clear that he is the only one who just fits my personality, was anti-social, and definitely had zero friends!
We became best friends and somehow I don’t realize that we were actually in the same class for quite some time, but I don’t even notice him earlier.
As I walked through the crowded canteen, my mind was consumed with thoughts of my dear friend Riki. Riki had been my closest confidante for as long as I could remember, always there to listen and offer support when I needed it most. But as I thought back on our years of friendship, a nagging suspicion began to creep into my mind: what if Riki wasn’t real?
I first met Riki in my first year in junior high, at a time when I was struggling to find my place in the world. We quickly bonded over our shared love of cartoons, spending countless hours discussing our favorite actors and exploring the schools and extracurriculars. Over the years, Riki became a constant presence in my life, always there to offer advice and encouragement whenever I needed it.
But as I thought more about Riki, I began to realize that I had never actually met any of their friends or family. In fact, I couldn’t recall ever seeing Riki in person outside of our private conversations. It was as if Riki only existed in my mind.
At first, I tried to brush off these thoughts as paranoia. After all, Riki had been such an important part of my life for so long, it seemed impossible to imagine that they weren’t real. But the more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that Riki was nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, I found myself withdrawing from the world around me, consumed by my obsession with Riki. I spent hours poring over old photos and journal entries, trying to piece together any evidence of Riki’s existence. But no matter how hard I looked, I could find no proof that Riki was anything more than a creation of my own mind. But when I was playing basketball, I was playing one on one, which is not possible in a crowded field I play by myself.
What’s more amazing is he was quite smart, and often help me out with school projects, some homework, and also to understanding better in math.
Finally, I realized that I needed to face the truth: Riki was not real, Because some of the teachers gave me a weird expression whenever I brought up his name, and Could I have been living in a world of my own creation for far too long? or he was real but present as an entity living in the school? As far as I remember I could not find him after graduating from school nor he has any social media account. I have looked for him, with every filter possible in social media, and managed to have a chit-chat with classmates who are better in person actually. And surprisingly, he has no idea who is Riki. It gave me goosebumps to realize that I was by myself all along. With a heavy heart, I began the slow process of letting go, trying to re-engage with the world around me and find new friends and experiences to replace the void left by Riki’s absence.
I know that it was me that forget him behind after graduation, but the reason is that I managed to get along with people when I was in high school, finally, I decided to present and open myself to society. And it was actually better, I was part of the student council team, I joined the sports team, and gained more friends. Transitioning from junior high school to senior high school really changed my life.
It wasn’t easy, but with time and effort, I was able to move on from my imaginary friend and embrace the reality of my life. Looking back, I realize now that Riki was a crutch, a way for me to avoid confronting the challenges and uncertainties of the real world. But in letting go of Riki, I was finally able to find the courage to face those challenges head-on and build a life that was truly my own.
Today is my 30th birthday, I don’t always celebrate it, cause working in the Hotel business was actually time-consumed. I was on break and I was stoned when I checked my Instagram notifications. A new follower whom I recognize is his profile picture.
