Fear, OCD & Mental Health: How Running is my Salvation

OCD isn’t something you ever get over, not really. There’s always this little voice in your head whispering thoughts you don’t want to hear. Sadly those thoughts often stick and the more we fear them, the more we succumb to their whim and feel compelled to act in some way we’d rather not. For OCD is, in my mind, just fear. It might be completely irrational at times but ultimately it makes me change my behaviour because I am totally afraid not to.

For me OCD has always been around cleanliness. It’s a common, almost stereotypical trait of OCD but it’s been 10 years since I last saw a councillor. 10 years since medically I was cleared of treatment. And broadly speaking its 10 years since my life was run by OCD. There are occasions though, where the fears brought by my OCD interfere with daily life a little more than I would like.

It’s been an awfully long time since my compulsions have taken over and changed my behaviour dramatically. But there are some things I’m not brave enough to face. And there are times when I know my limits.

A Recent Incident

My toilet overflowed. I watched the water rise and rise, first tickling the edge, then teetering over and flowing onto the bathroom floor. In terms of OCD this is quite possibly my greatest fear. In the past I’ve been almost debilitated by this fear and this time I stared in disbelief at that water flowing. It was as if my brain froze for a moment.

Water pooling across my bathroom snapped me out of it and I threw towels to stem the rush. Panicking that I was so stupid not to know where the water shut off valve was in my own flat I looked around at what to do. Turns out the flush button got stuck, it was just filling water in a permanent state of flush. An easy fix. With less urgency in the issue with the water now at a standstill, I stood in my bathroom trying to find a logical solution to fix the illogical problem in my brain. Somehow I needed to clean this all up without “contaminating” anything else.

My Escape

The next hour saw my heart rate elevate, I could sense the stress building up and seeping into my whole being. With one load of washing on, my first (of many showers) and a pile of used antibacterial wipes, I needed to get out. I needed to escape the reality of facing one of my greatest fears. I put on my running gear and stepped out the door watching it close behind me as if shutting my fear in a pen. For now I could breathe again. The fresh air and the simple pleasure of one foot in front of the other brought rhythm to my heartbeat. I felt the stress flow around my body, spreading its pressure before slowly leaking out. I focused instead on not slipping in the mud, following the morning deluge of rain. I focussed on the the strength of my body as I raced on and on. I powered up the hill and pushed further and further from my fear. Further into the calm of my mind when there’s nothing to do but run.

After training for a marathon last year I’ve often raved to friends about how running has changed my mind and my attitude. For me it was a mental health game changer. That belief has never rung more true than my experience that day. I needed that run. I needed to clear my head and control my fear. Running in the outdoors, with mud and grass flexing under foot was my perfect remedy.

For those unfamiliar with OCD, what I’ve described in this post might seem trivial and even quite silly. Hell I know it sounds silly. I guess this is a form of acceptance for me. OCD will always be there for me. In fact so will fear. I suspect fear will always be there for many of us. It’s about how we face it, how we challenge our minds to accept the uncomfortable, how we push to get over that discomfort and how we fight to change. Mental health is so important but if we keep fighting and keep sharing our experiences, we can do anything, face any fear, big or small, rational or… irrational.

This post is a big thing for me to share with the world. Over many months I’ve doubted whether I should. But here I am sharing it with you all in aid of Mental Health Awareness week. Does anyone else have something they’d like to share, that they feel able to? Comment below or get in touch on social media. I’d love to hear your story with mental health and how you’ve kept fighting the fear — whether it’s OCD, anxiety, depression or something else. Let’s start a conversation about mental health and let’s help each other out.

Originally posted on Sage Adventures travel & wellness lifestyle blog: www.sageadventres.co.uk.