nathan’s field notes 002
The center will not hold, and other ways I’m destroying myself.
Spring leaves my loose grasp, too quickly, too shamefully. Every year it is like this. I don’t get enough sun. I don’t enjoy afternoons in the park like I used to in France, a baguette, sun dried tomatoes, brittle clouds of mozzarella for mini makeshift sandwiches.
Most days, I’ve been destroying my eyes with screens. My work PC. My phone. My iPad. Even when it comes to books, a kindle which has begun to hurt my eyes in the dark.
Last night was the first time where I stepped out into the open air from my responsibilities and walked without a sense of direction.
I was on the move, and then I stopped, lost, only to look for a bench to sit on until I stood up, realizing I could not make up my mind.
I could not make peace with what I wanted to do. I realized my frustration was vague because I could not pinpoint the source of all my mental chaos.
Just like spring, I’ve let structure and discipline leave my fingertips. My seasonal migraines have come back, convincing me of a much needed vacation that is stuck somewhere in a summer that feels too far away.
And it was Ocean Vuong’s recent talk with Harvard where he said taking care of oneself is living with slow intention. It’s not about what is happening. We can’t be reliant on the things that happen to us. Say, what I did, what I had for lunch. If our joy depends on our activities, that’s like putting all your bets on weather. You lose agency. You lose control.
And I’m admitting that to myself right here, right now. I’ve lost agency. I’ve lost control.
Now, it’s time to reclaim that.
The center will hold. Because I will hold it.
Five Findings in the Field:
- Hyukoh x Yaeji nearly meditative DJ set
- Taoism in The Tao of Nature by Chuang Tzu
- White Azaleas in full bloom
- Starting Let Me Tell You What I Mean by Joan Didion
- Honey orange rinds with sparkling water to beat the aching afternoons
