The Family Unit
Dolts! All of them. I’ve had about enough of this witless family!
Grey was finally through with his dimwit brother, his halfwit sister, his twit mother, and his unwitting father. He stormed out of his suburban prison, with one final word, “adieu.”
“Brevity,” he mumbled to himself, “is lost on these stable geniuses.”
He crammed into his homemade motorcar and headed for the long-abandoned Circuitry Center where he would set up a new household, one he would be the master of.
He broke into the store, set up his operation, and immediately calculated the most efficient layout for his homestead. Fewest steps to the bathroom, best air ventilation, et cetera.
It was cold and dark, dank and musty. The carpet was odorous where a leak had dripped and rat feces permeated the air. With some work, it would do. No more trying to extrapolate data while the TV blared loudly. No more boys visiting his sister under the guise of tutelage. No more home-cooked lasagna platters and memorial potatoes (though he quite liked that dish). No, from now on pre-packaged ready to eat meals would suffice. Sustenance was merely to quench his need so his brain could operate.
Then it was time to work. Left to his own devices, he would surely be more industrious than ever. As he began to engage his faculties in their highest level of productivity, he drafted new designs for his roaming speedster, new concepts for single-player board games, shorter paths to reach the toilet.
His genius was being squandered every second that it was not being appreciated. He found himself explaining the significance of his own achievements to his shadow. Who would listen to him? Who would glorify his tenacity and perspicacity?
Then came the epiphany of epiphanies. He needed a new family. But not just any family. One that appreciated his sense of creativity. One that would value his innovation. One that would comply.
He needed supplies first. Off he went to the big blue box store specializing in electronics. Upon his arrival, he spotted his first necessity: a wireless router. While grabbing the highest quality model available, he was approached by a balding middle-aged man.
Oh no, Grey thought to himself, a neanderthal in need of fire.
“Hi, can I ask you a question?” the man asked politely.
“Have you tried rubbing two sticks together?”
“Uh, sorry, come again?”
“Never mind.” His wit always seemed above these proto-humans. “Do you need something?”
“Yeah, you seem to know your way around these things. Which one should I get?”
“Well, that depends. You got a wife and two and one-half children, I hypothesize?”
The man confirmed this detail, except for the superfluous half-child.
“Then, I imagine for your simple family dwelling, this model here would suffice in outputting ample KRGBti.” Grey didn’t actually know much about wireless routers, so he grabbed a random box while spouting gibberish.
The man was beyond grateful, which Grey found eternally exasperating and also expedient. He needed more of the same. So, Grey offered his installation services.
“That would be wonderful!”
“Perfect. Ring yourself up, and purchase my goods as well as payment for service rendered, and we can relocate to your modest suburban house. I just need to make a momentary detour on the way to obtain a few tools.”
Once arriving at the dilapidated Circuitry Center, the man showed sudden concern for the situation, “Is this where you live?”
“Oh, drats, no! The deserted store merely contains discarded equipment necessary for me to complete your installation. Why reinvent the wheel, caveman, when a wheel exists?”
The man followed Grey into the store, and upon further examination, determined someone was indeed squatting on the premises. “Perhaps we should get out of here.” He found himself standing in a puddle of foul-smelling fluids.
“Oh, father, we will be on our way soon. I want to meet the rest of our lovely family. But first, the installation!”
Before the man could turn for the emergency exit, Grey dropped a live wire in the puddle, shocking his new father-figure unconscious.
When the man awoke hours later, he found himself groggy and stiff. He felt dried blood on his face. Diodes and other outdated technology had been installed into his cranium.
“Why? What? I. . .”
“Relax, Father, I will gather your slippers and paper. I just know you’ll appreciate your boy’s ingenuity.”
“My boy?” The man rose to his feet. “Kid, you’re nuts. I am out of here.”
“No, father,” Grey said authoritatively, “We will all stay.”
“All?” The perturbed look on his face gave away his most anxious anxieties. “Who else?”
“Hi, Daddy!” A little girl said while running up to her new brother. “Brother has made us faster, sweeter, cuter.”
“And quieter.” He lifted his remote control and muted the little girl. “I reprogrammed your brains to all love me unconditionally.”
The man saw his wife and two children all staring lovingly at Grey. He fought to remove the invisible restraints on his limbs. A switch triggered in his prefrontal lobe, eradicating his self-control.
“Wow, this is really some neat trick, son!” Said the mother.
The others readily agreed. Grey was ecstatic at the adulation.
Beaming, the father turned to his family in warm embrace, “Now, son, do you think you can use your brilliant brain one more time?”
“I can achieve the impossible.”
“Great, do you think you can set the time zone on the DVR?
“D…V…R?” Grey whispered.
The new brother chimed in, “Yeah, so we can watch our shows!”
“Shows?” Grey inquired with great horror.
“Yes, son,” comforted the father, “we just want to watch TV with you. As a family.”
