On Surviving Bitterness…

The following is simply my own experience in and getting out of bitterness… I hope my struggle may in some way encourage you not to give up.

Anger is easy to fall back on when you hurt.

It numbs the pain and gives you a sense of control.

But only for a little while.

Beware if you hold onto anger, it will produce bitterness and will poison the soil of your heart.

The first good fruit to die will be your patience.

And without patience, you will fail to empathize. Your ability to invest in others as well as yourself will be hindered. Each failure will compound, spreading bitterness and regret, killing both confidence and hope.

Your heart will harden. You will no longer be considerate.

You will cease to be merciful, most of all with yourself.

You will refuse to forgive others, but even more so, yourself.

The slightest thing will offend you.

You will hold grudges.

Regret will overrun your heart, always pointing to your failures.

You will be short tempered with others and you will hate yourself.

Self-loathing will eclipse your love for others.

You will isolate yourself.

You will grow cold, your words will have the venom of sarcasm.

But even as this happens, even though it seems that you have lost peace and contentment, your heart will still struggle to live.

You will feel it. It still desperately desires good things.

You will still desire to love and be loved. You will still desire to belong.

It will well up in you and it will hurt terribly.

Your tears will be countless.

Your mind may give up, but your heart will keep pushing.

A war will rage in your chest.

How will it end? What is the answer? Is there still a chance?

There is an answer. There is still a chance.

But it will be one of the most emotionally painful things you will ever experience.

You must do what you should have done at first.

You must let yourself become vulnerable.

You must let the pain out.

You must pour out your heart to God in brutal honesty.

And you MUST give the pain to Him.

This means forgiving others.

This means forgiving yourself.

Like an infected wound, your heart must be lanced, and the poison squeezed out.

It will hurt.

So much.

But breathe.

Puke if you have to.

The beast of bitterness will fight you.

It will not want to leave, but you must put it to death and turn your back on it.

Then take up love! Take up kindness! Take up patience and be determined!

Don’t give in. You will want to hate yourself, but fight it.

It will feel wrong, but that feeling is a lie.

The power of bitterness is in it’s ability to feel justified. (It is justified by the Law, but you aren’t under the Law anymore; you are under grace.)

It feels right, but it is not right, not since you’ve been covered with Christ’s blood.

You must accept Jesus’ sacrifice for you.

You must accept His love.

Although it will all feel like a knife in your gut, be kind to yourself.

Nurture your heart and speak kindly to it.

Treat yourself with all the love and patience you would lavish on your best friend.

Keep going.

Keep breathing.

Never stop praying and emptying your heart to God.

The beast will back away.

And your heart will heal.

Fresh water will flow, refreshing you.

Sunlight will pour over your face and will fill your soul.

You will be lifted up like the eagle.

You’ll be free.

“For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves…”

Colossians 1:13