It took me a while but I got there…
It is tough to speak truth all the time. I try too, but I end up lying more often than I desire. Truth is more about fuckups and less about morals, I often resist speaking about the whole truth just because I don’t think the other person will understand my situation or the reason why I acted the way I did and will wrongly judge me or other fears which my mind spawns up for me.
I believed that I am indifferent to the judgement — people have about me, but as it turns out, when I am placed in an unknown place full of strangers, those fears come out and haunt me. The truth simply put would be like, I thought these traits didn’t existed, I was immune from them, but they were there all along, they were just buried deep down and now they are alive again.
I am happy they are back, as I can resolve them this time and not leave them unattended. The happiness comes from this fear of living with the negative ailments in me. Now, wouldn’t you agree with me, that it is difficult to explain this kind of happiness to someone who is not ready to believe they exist in the first place. The truth begins with this, and so I promise I would be writing more truth from now on. That doesn’t mean what I have written isn’t true, but just that it wasn’t the truth in its raw form or the whole truth if you like that word.
Let me clear one more thing that I am no ethical being who is honest all the time, what I wish to change is to know when I am lying. It is okay to lie, when you know that you are lying and being true to yourself about that. The problem arises when you lie a lot and then you don’t understand the need to be true to yourself and you start lying to yourself too…
I would also start giving real life examples about the philosophies instead of just laying down the philosophies like above. So here comes the example.
I have always wanted to be different, to be unique, to be minority of the minority if that what makes it clear. Maybe that is because on my high school farewell, one of my favourite teachers gave me advice on life which was simple enough to remember — “Be different where ever you go…”. Now this trait has been innate in me by now, but now I fear being different, I want to go back to the majority.
Being different takes courage, it forces you to live far from the expectations of others but to your own wants. The courage in me disappeared and now I desire the safe palace where I can hide in the majority and do whatever fuck I want to do with my life. Does this sound good to you? Is this normal. I don’t know, but I will figure it out, for now, what I know is there is some issue unresolved.
It is not that I haven’t contemplated over this issue on my own, but in fact I have but I don’t have any conclusions yet. Why did this come into my thought pool? It is often irrelevant but as I promised the raw truth.
Back home, I never felt a need to be accepted or to be appreciated or to be respected. I was happy without these validations, happy being myself and had accepted the fact the opinion of others doesn’t affect me. But now, I want to be validated, I can’t live by own acceptance. I hate that, but its true and I can’t neglect what I feel.
My instincts, intuitions which used to be in foreground, now are not brave enough anymore. I need to think before acting, before speaking, before laughing because I misheard the sentence and laughing for something else. The self confidence is lacking, I believe, I need to get that back in the front seat.
The actions I am referring to can be anything. For me, they were having cotton buds in my ears, eating something with hands when everyone else were using forks and knives, ensuring that the toilet paper was flushed properly and many more…
Strange isn’t it, to be affected by the random strangers. It should be the other way round, to freely do anything without caring about anything as no one knows me here. I keep observing the lives of people here and back in India, my mind keeps on toggling between good and bad parts and envisioning the future. I try to halt the thought machine and ask it to relax, to take it easy as this is just the beginning, give it time to settle in.
It is difficult to answer the question whether I am happy or not today? I don’t know, but this is what I signed up for. I knew this wasn’t going to be fun vacation where I will keep laughing among friends and family. Let’s take it as a test where I learn to be myself again in a new environment without being affected by the noise around me.
The stupid brain imagined a dream where I was all alone in a distant place and I am here turning it into reality without understanding the complete picture, but I choose to believe that something good will definitely come out of it.
The loneliness hasn’t shown up yet, I will tell you once it arrives. The fuel of excitement of being in the new place will come to an end soon…
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