(March 20, 2017)
Tallulah Hotdog Packard weighing 6lb 11oz arrived at 9:47pm last night on International Happiness Day and the first day of Spring after 7hrs of active labor.
As we celebrate- I also wanted to share a personal insight that I don’t think gets discussed- or at least it was a feeling I hadn’t heard expressed before.
The night I went into early labor and knew my daughter’s arrival was eminent I curled up to Benjamin and started crying.
Not crying due to pain, or joy, or excitement but to mourning. Mourning the loss of my individual self. My single self. The only “me” I’ve known for 32 years.
I realized I am going to miss that person or perhaps more accurately I’m going to miss that life. The life of spontaneously hanging with friends, staying out late for dinner, booking airline tickets and not worrying about their infant policy. The life that only has to think about myself and the freedom and weightlessness that comes with this reality.
I felt a second wave of sadness in preemptively missing Benjamin. I felt fear of losing his attention, of us not getting enough alone time together, a fear of a new set of disagreements we haven’t dealt with before, a fear of growing apart.
Luckily Benjamin simply held me and encouraged the tears to keep coming.
My father once shared with me that the greatest gift of children is an increased capacity for love. This is what I am looking forward to. The love of our daughter, the love towards each other, and as cheesy as it sounds- the love of the world.
Cheers to the next big chapter…