You made me two pies
After I lied
And told you I was going west:
to the mountains
to breathe air and catch desiccated leaves as they floated down to earth.
I couldn’t eat them. The pies.
But it felt like so much to tell you that the way you wanted to help
made bile rise in my throat.
I hid in the bathroom from the empty apartment
With the lampless hall waiting like a tomb.
Everyone thought I was somewhere else,
A collection of somewheres I couldn’t stand to be.
I knew that I couldn’t handle —
Couldn’t hold the pity in my shaking arms
while everyone contorted around me.
There was so much love then,
but I couldn’t bear the weight of any of it.
Even as you tried to make it feather light
drifting in uncomplicated,
Everything was complicated.
And I was scared and I was so mean.
When all you wanted was to care about me.
I brought two pies