Trying to be warm

I guess I’m hard on myself

I used to think I knew myself pretty well. Knew how I would react to different situations, knew how to keep my cool, knew how to just generally exist as myself. But my brain has been doing things foreign to me lately.

I took a risk recently. I *gasp* dated someone. And you’re probably like, “Yeah? People do that all the time.” But the thing is that I don’t. I don’t usually trust people like that. Don’t trust myself like that. But it seemed worth it in this particular instance, so I did. Anyway, it didn’t work out. Which is also something that people find out all the time. But again, not ya girl.

And I had always pictured myself as this person who would be fine. Head held high because I know who I am, and I’ve never needed anyone anyway. But that was not at all how it went. Because as it turns out I can’t override the brain chemicals (you’d think I’d know this as a person with an anxiety disorder, alas).

As it turns out, I’ve been learning A LOT about myself lately. Learned I was (am) capable of producing wayyy more tears than I imagined. Learned I actually did need people and that I was not as bad at letting my friends take care of me as I thought. Mostly though, I’ve learned that I’m really hard on myself.

This is not a thing I — again, a person who had previously thought they knew themselves very well — had any inkling of. I’m not a perfectionist. I never cared much about getting perfect grades or being The Best at anything. But what I do care about, I guess, is how I make other people feel.

Once, a friend was going around prescribing powers for a world in which we were superheroes. She said I’d have the power to control people’s emotions with my eyes. And if I really could have that power, I’d use it for good. Because when I make someone feel anything other than good or light or warm, I feel like I failed.

I don’t fail at it a lot, I don’t think. I try pretty hard to be a positive presence in people’s lives. But lately I’m just really struggling to take care of other people. Or I’m not, I guess. My friends would tell you I’m doing fine (that I’m too hard on myself). But I can both know that and still feel like I am not doing a good job. Because I’m sad. And I know sadness is contagious. I know me being sad is making other people sad. But I can’t stop.

I recently learned that loneliness lowers your body temperature. Which I feel like makes sense. Because I feel like I can’t get warm. Like I’m a bunch of green logs a kid pulled out of the woods that won’t light. And everyone is sitting in a circle around the smoking not-fire also left in the cold.

And I really hate it. Which is again, probably a thing a lot of people feel. But I just want everyone to be warm. Especially because I am not. And you know the worst thing about it? The thing that makes me feel so silly and naive and embarrassed? It’s that the person I want to make feel warm the most is the reason I am so cold. If I had a dollar for every time my brain has been like, “You need to pull yourself together because you’re making Her upset (not that she knows how I’m doing), I’d probably be a millionaire.”

I don’t know why I am this way. But I suppose a few weeks ago I didn’t even know I was this way. So maybe that’s forward progress?

I guess there’s something lovely too in being in your late 20s and feeling like you have as little control over your brain as you did when you were 14. In learning all over again how to let go of expectations and find your way in the world.

And the truth is that I don’t hate myself for it. I think it’s kind of nice to be able to care so much about other people. I feel kind of lucky, even though right now it sucks, I know I’ll be warm again one day. When it stops raining and I can dry out enough to catch on fire. In the meantime I’m unbelievably lucky to be surrounded by people who don’t mind the cold.