‘I was almost beaten to death’

A Queer Ugandan woman on fear-induced displacement and a new life in Kenya

by Alia* as told to Samuel Hall Team

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Violence, Death, Homophobia

“I was helped by one lady to escape the country to avoid getting killed. That is when I ran away and came to Kenya. I left my baby over there (Uganda) with my mother. I have not gone back to get my daughter. I fear going back”

I was in school when I found out that I love women. When I think about that period, it brings back sad memories as I had realised that life in Africa would be difficult as a lesbian. Once, when I went out with my girlfriend, we were beaten up and only narrowly escaped death. My family’s reaction to my sexuality was anger; my mother said, “I am not your mother anymore”.

Eventually, I was forced to get married under parental pressure. I wanted to work but my husband was the typical African man who decided what I could and could not do. I felt mentally tortured.

My beautiful baby daughter was the only good thing that came out of that marriage. She makes me very happy, and I keep in touch with her by calling my mother once a month. I miss her. I want to be with her, but I won’t be able to as I cannot go back.

While I was married (to the man) and was still with my girlfriend (who was also married), her husband found out about us, and she was killed. When my girlfriend died, I decided to run away from my marriage, leaving my family and my daughter. A lady helped me escape the country to avoid getting killed. Then I came to Kenya.

When I came to Kenya, I did not know anyone. However, I was advised by the lady who helped me escape to go to the Red Cross. Using my phone; I researched about the Red Cross, UN, UNHCR, etc. Unfortunately, my passport is still held at the Kenya-Uganda border as the officials refused to hand it to me. They thought I wanted to use Kenya as a route to go to Saudi Arabia to work.

The Kenyan government took me in, allowed me to stay, and never tried to send me back. I was directed to RAS (Refugees Affairs Secretariat), where I was given some documents, which I then submitted to the UNHCR. At UNHCR, there was a lady who was very good to me. She was very concerned about my well-being and organised for me to join a CBO (Community Based Organisation). I stayed there for about two weeks as we sought a way forward.

At the time, the CBO was doing some projects that involved fashion and design, and I started helping them with it until it came to a point where the UN wanted to help us, but we needed proper documentation. The documentation we did have access to showed that we were supposed to be based in the Kakuma refugee camp. However, since it was not safe for LGBTQ persons to be there, we were instructed to remain in Nairobi. Although eventually, I had to go to the refugee camp to avoid being arrested.

I stayed at the camp. There were some hostile, homophobic communities at the camp from across Africa. I never felt secure there. Whenever I tried to find work, I was discriminated against.

Even some NGOs did not want to hire us.

I tried to start my own business, but people didn’t come to buy from me. We later tried a soapmaking business after we were taught so by a Kenyan guy who used to bring in some projects for LGBTQ persons, but still, people did not buy from us. So I tried making bead necklaces and bangles to have a source of livelihood.

Life in Kakuma is challenging. I stayed there for a while trying to get proper documentation, but it was in vain. Moreover, the place is arid, and it is months before it rains, and then it becomes worse as it becomes flooded.

I moved to Nairobi illegally only a few weeks ago. The situation is much better here as everyone minds their own business unlike in Kakuma. People do not have much to do there other than spread news of who is in the LGBTQ community.

I knew a few people in Nairobi, and I asked one of them to help me get a job. Some other good people helped me find a house. I now make and sell bags. I use the money I get to pay for rent and food. But I do not have anything to provide for my daughter. She is four years old, and I have been informed she is going to school. However, her dad ignores her as she is a daughter of a ‘cursed mother’ and he does not help.

In Uganda, there is severe homophobia. In one instance, they caught two guys, locked them in a house, and told them they would only be unlocked if one of them got pregnant. Last week I saw a video where they got a man out of a car and beat him badly. Another is where they would light a person on fire using a polythene bag.

I too was almost beaten….. to death.

I get flashes of those memories: when I was beaten up when we were being discriminated against when my mother was mad after she found out about me. When I wake up from such dreams, I feel my heart pounding so hard, and I feel very scared. I also dream about my journey to Kenya, especially that lady that helped me and even took me to the bus that took me to Kenya.

I think I recall some dreams because of the trauma associated with them. For example, I was very close with my brother, and he used to defend me a lot when we were young. One day I dreamt my brother had died, and when I woke up, I did not tell him about my dream. He was headed to work, and on the way, he was knocked by a car and died. When my mother informed me that my brother had died, I could not believe it as I had talked to him over the phone a few hours earlier.

I am scared of my dreams as I dream things, and they happen. I don’t even want to tell people about them. However, sometimes I sit down and wish I had told him about it; maybe he would not have gone that day.

The images from my dreams that usually stick with me are scary. I have a few happy moments and many sad moments, so more often, I am sad.

• Name changed to protect identity.
• The story has been edited only for the purpose of clarity