Coming to Terms with President Trump
I’m a comedian. I’ve been writing a lot about the election and Donald Trump. Here’s a collection of the things I’ve posted on social media.
Nov. 8, 2016–And I thought suburban white women only ruined comedy shows.
Nov. 9, 2016–The election booth is the last safe place to be racist.
Nov. 9, 2016–This is an ugly speed bump on the way to the future. Demographics will not change. It’s the last stand for old people.
Nov. 9, 2016–The media and the Clintons all hang out at the same country clubs and black tie events and that’s why they couldn’t see it coming.
The country doesn’t watch Girls and Mad Men. It watches CSI and Duck Dynasty. We say they live in a bubble but never acknowledge our own.
Remember how hard we all laughed at that Guy Fieri review in the Times? “Ha, look at the silly redneck!” Well, they love Guy Fieri. And this is their revenge.
And now we get frosted tips, Vegas fries, and Donkey Sauce for the next four years. WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN! Sigh.
Nov. 9, 2016–It’s not red state vs blue state. It’s the country vs. the city. The two best things I’ve read that explain how we got here:
http://www.theamericanconservative.com/…/trump-us-politics…/
http://www.cracked.com/…/6-reasons-trumps-rise-that-no-one…/
If you’re asking, “How could they?” then read these and you’ll gain understanding. It’s not just racism/sexism, it’s deeper than that.
So now what? We won’t persuade by namecalling, condescending, and/or unfollowing. I suggest looking at the tone of MLK’s Letter from a Birmingham jail…
http://www.theatlantic.com/…/martin-luther-kings-le…/274668/
…and Obama’s speech on race from the ’08 campaign.
http://www.nytimes.com/…/03/18/us/politics/18text-obama.html
If nothing else, both are beautiful pleas to the better angels of our nature.
Nov. 9, 2016–Jon Stewart for President in 2020. Not joking. They want a TV personality, let’s give ’em one.
Nov. 9, 2016–“I was completely fucking wrong but you should totally believe me when I explain exactly how that happened.” -The media for the next month
Nov. 9, 2016–Media, shut up and go to your room and think about what you did.
Nov. 9, 2016–Re: protests, I appreciate the venting but nothing sums up the progressive movement better than protesting a day after it matters in places that already agree with you without any actual coherent agenda of what you’re trying to accomplish.
Nov. 10, 2016–I performed last night at Doc’s Lab in San Francisco and talked about the election.
Nov. 10, 2016–INT. SAN FRANCISCO COFFEESHOP
Middle-aged man in sleeveless t-shirt with both sunglasses on his head and prescription glasses hanging from his shirt sits at a table with another man.
Sleeveless guy: “It’s just the status quo. Nothing changes. It’s just the changing of the guard. Trump’s just another puppet. I think they should do away with the whole President thing altogether. They just put on this whole dog and pony show for the public. He doesn’t really have any power. The corporations run the country. So who runs the corporations? The Illuminati.”
Other man nods, stands up, and walks out of coffeeshop. Sleeveless guy goes back to reading his magazine.
(Elvis’ “Suspicious Minds” plays in the background throughout.)
Nov. 11, 2016–just got to canada. and they keep talking about their amazing president who is basically obama 2.0. feels like they’re showing off an iphone 7 while i’ve gotta explain why my country just chose to use two tin cans and a string — oh, and also the cans are filled with hate.
Nov. 11, 2016–in the past few years: newspapers (y’know, with facts/journalism) all go out of business, our political discourse turns into boxing press conference-level lunacy, everyone gets their info from echo chamber of people who they already agree, and MEANWHILE…
Nov. 12, 2016–I think comedy just became really important. Unfortunately, that’s the worst thing that can happen to comedy.
Nov. 12, 2016–Onstage in Canada last night I started talking about how amazing their president is compared to ours. Then a woman yelled out: “he’s our Prime Minister, not our president.” I’ve never felt so American in my life!
Nov. 13, 2016–Shows in Canada this weekend. Thought I was coming here to tell jokes but now I realize I’ve come here to find a wife. Come on, citizenship!
Nov. 14, 2016–How do I get some of that sweet professional protester moola? They hiring on TaskRabbit or what? Payment via Venmo or PayPal? Hook a brother up!
Nov. 14, 2016–I wonder who Trump will appoint to be Secretary of the KGB.
Nov. 14, 2016–Our new president is bragging about how getting elected picked him up 100k Twitter followers like he’s some comedian who just did @midnight.
Nov. 15, 2016–This week has really normalized using the word “normalize.”
Nov. 15, 2016–Reminder: Linking to an article at an alt-right site is basically giving them money. For online stuff, you make what you hate.
Nov. 15, 2016–Can’t we just make Giuliani the Secretary of 9/11?
Nov. 16, 2016–Talking about election:
INT — SUBWAY STATION LAST NIGHT
Me: It’s what we get for making the Kardashians our heroes.
Nimesh Patel: Are you stoned right now?
Me: Maybe.
Nimesh: Because I’ve got a theory that anyone who brings up the Kardashians is stoned.
Me: Touché.
Nov. 17, 2016–One fun thing about this election is how white folks are finally getting to experience what it’s like to be racially profiled…
White people: “I swear, I didn’t vote for Trump.”
Black people: “Mmmhmmm, well I’m still gonna have to stop and frisk your Facebook feed for #alllivesmatter posts because YOU FIT THE DESCRIPTION.”
Nov. 17, 2016–I’m tired of the left having feelings while the right has a plan.
Nov. 18, 2016–If Jesus was alive and ran for President, none of these Evangelicals would vote for him.
Nov. 18, 2016–If you thought that Donald Trump interview by Jimmy Fallon was bad, watch Fallon interview Adolf Hitler…
Nov. 19, 2016–The mistake we’re making is thinking that people WANT real news. People don’t want facts, they want “I knew I was right” feelings.
Nov. 19, 2016–If Trump thinks this Hamilton thing was bad, he should hear what comedians have been saying about him.
Nov. 20, 2016–“Trump was endorsed by the KKK newspaper.” I still can’t get over the fact the KKK has a newspaper. Do they deliver it wrapped in a white sheet? Is the sports section all about Steve Nash? Are all the ads in there for wood crosses and gasoline? So many questions!
Nov. 21, 2016–Every time you link to an article at Breitbart, you are literally putting money in Steve Bannon’s pockets. I know outrage gets ya off but dear lord think it through.
Nov. 22, 2016–I saw Leonard Cohen live twice. It felt holy. I remember thinking, “If this is what church was like, I’d understand being religious.”
One thing that struck me was how different he was than your typical frontman. Clearly he was running the show, yet there was a humility to everything he did. As if he was a servant of his songs, not their creator. He’d constantly thank his band and every member in it. He kept offering his gratitude to the crowd. He’d repeatedly get down on one knee and genuflect. He’d tip his hat to his backup singers. It was a constant demonstration of gratitude to all who had gathered. Every action was a tell that this was about something bigger than himself.
Leonard departing as President Trump arrives feels like a lesson. (Gulp, just typing “President Trump” gives me that same bile coming up my throat feeling I get when drinking nasty ass Kombucha.) Trump offers the opposite vision of leadership. Ego. Chest thumping. Macho braggadocio. Cruelty. Attacks. Putting his name on buildings. It feels like the way a weak man tries to project authority. He’s all vanity plates and combovers.
Leonard’s strength was displayed through his giving nature. He didn’t need to rattle his saber. He didn’t need to puff his chest out. He didn’t strut, he skipped. He enlisted you in his army via seduction. He stripped away ego until there were just those songs and the people in that room who were brought together by something bigger, deeper, and longer lasting than any one man.
That’s why long after Trump’s ugliness fades, LC’s songs will endure. As he once sang: “You’ll be hearing from me baby, long after I’m gone. I’ll be speaking to you sweetly from a window in the tower of song.”
After Trump’s ugliness fades, LC’s songs will endure.
Nov. 23, 2016–On torture:
Trump: “We need to waterboard terrorists.”
General: “Give me a pack of cigarettes and a couple of beers and I’ll do better.”
Trump: “I am very impressed by that answer.”
Because one thing we know about Islamic terrorists is THEY LOVE DRINKING BEER. While we’re at it, let’s throw in a BLT sandwich and some funny cartoons of Muhammad. That’ll really get ’em on our side.
Nov. 24, 2016–Got hammered and gave $35 to the ACLU. Drunk donating is the new drunk dialing!
Nov. 26, 2016 — One thing worth keeping mind: Coastal elite likes cat nip clickbaity articles plenty too. We’re loving all this fake news hoopla because the implied message is “we’re smarter than those hicks.” But beware the ego stroke. Reading one at Washington Post…
“[Fake news stories work] by harnessing the online world’s fascination with ‘buzzy’ content that is surprising and emotionally potent, and tracks with popular conspiracy theories about how secret forces dictate world events,”says an article assigning blame for the election on *a secret Russian propaganda apparatus.*
Phew. Soooooo, we need to watch out for articles that “track with popular conspiracy theories about how secret forces dictate world events” but we should totally believe THIS article that offers up a conspiracy theory about how secret forces dictated our election because some outfit named PropOrNot said so. Y’all totally trust PropOrNot, riiiiiiiight?
I feel like I’m watching the media eat its own tail. I never realized that the classified ad section in newspapers was actually the thread holding our entire democracy together.
I never realized that the classified ad section in newspapers was actually the thread holding our entire democracy together.
Nov. 25, 2016–A lot of folks voted for Trump because they’re sick of big city liberals telling ’em what to do. It’s the same thing with food…
Blue State: You need to eat kale and it needs to be local, organic, and non-GMO.
Red State: Um, I’m gonna eat Taco Bell inside a Dorito shell.
Blue State: But that’s filled with lies, spray-painted orange, and you’ll probably die because of it!
Red State: Wait a minute, those are the things I want in my President too!
And that’s how we wound up with Doritos Locos Presidente — and Vice President McGriddle.
