ISIS Isn’t Coming for You

Why are people who’ve never met a Muslim deciding to ban them?

An essay by comedian/author Matt Ruby. Want more? Sign up here to get my newsletter.

Our foreign policy is being decided by a bunch of Red State voters who live in places like South Dakota and Nebraska and Mississippi. Newsflash: ISIS isn’t coming for you. No one’s trying to blow up your water tower. There’s no dirty bomb in the corn maze. Terrorists aren’t sitting around saying, “We could blow up the Capitol Building…OR there’s a Piggly Wiggly an hour outside of Tulsa. It’s extremely vulnerable!”

ISIS wants to come after NYC and DC and the other big cities that you hate. And here, we’re fine with Muslims. In fact, we get in a car with a different Muslim person every night of the week. If they really wanted to kill us, they could just drive us all over a bridge. The only Muslim threat I’ve dealt with in the past year was a meat skewer from that Halal cart on 39th Street. (It was savage.)

Yet somehow, all this is a Jason Bourne-level threat to rural areas. I see militia guys on the news who are scared of ISIS and shoot guns in the woods. But they all weigh 350+ lbs. I just want to tell them the real threat they face isn’t Muslims, it’s Type 2 Diabetes.

If you’ve never met a Muslim, you shouldn’t get to decide on whether to ban them. And if you can’t find the clitoris, you shouldn’t get to defund Planned Parenthood. Also: Mexicans aren’t taking your jobs, robots are taking your jobs.

I don’t feel threatened by Islamic terrorists. I feel threatened by the erosion of the liberty and principles that make this country great in the first place. I don’t care if torture “works,” I care that it’s fucking wrong. I don’t fear pipe bombs. I fear the destruction of what America stands for. Y’know, the stuff that makes people from around the world want to come here. And it sure ain’t banning people by religion, torture, black sites, viewing the press as “the opposition party,” or any of this other bullshit.

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