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Um, EVERYTHING on the internet is fake news.

Thoughts from comedian/writer Matt Ruby. Want more? Sign up here to get my newsletter.

The crazy thing is we act surprised by “fake news.” Um, EVERYTHING on the internet is fake news!

  • That 6-foot guy on Tinder is actually 5’4” — also, he’s married.
  • That hot chick on Tinder is actually a dude — who is also 5’4” and married.
  • That “friend” on Facebook is just a guy you barely knew in high school.
  • That gal in a bikini is a Bangladeshi man who wants to post ads on your wall for Oakley sunglasses.
  • That “comedian” is a dog walker.
  • That “actress” is a waitress.
  • That “entrepreneur” is unemployed.
  • That “CEO” works alone.
  • That “blessed” couple oversharing about their love will wind up divorced.
  • That “humbled” person is a narcissist.
  • That photo of you isn’t “gorgeous,” it’s just a slightly better angle than usual.
  • The people who click “heart” don’t really love your animated GIF of Whitney Houston rolling her eyes.
  • No one is actually rolling on the floor laughing.
  • The exclamation point is the new period.
  • That woman posting motivational quotes is on antidepressants.
  • That spontaneous Instagram photo took 27 attempts to get right.
  • That Twitter death threat comes from a child with a curfew.
  • That fitness model is an ass model — and no one is following her for workout tips (unless she’s making booty smoothies).
  • That company “on a mission to connect the world” is selling your browsing habits.
  • The “Don’t be evil” company lets the NSA and FBI access your data.
  • Uber is just an illegal taxi company.
  • Airbnb is just an illegal hotel company.
  • That Venmo payment for “utilities” is really for weed.
  • That Venmo payment for “coffee” is really for Molly.
  • That Kickstarter project is never going to happen.
  • Those YouTube views are bought.
  • That Nigerian prince is a Chechnyan janitor.
  • That anti-semitic bomb threat is coming from an Israeli teenager.
  • That “You won’t believe” headline is on an article you can totally believe — and the answer to every headline that asks a question is no.
  • That person who keeps complaining about being “super busy” just binge watched three seasons of Homeland.
  • Those “thoughts and prayers” come from someone who never prays.
  • No one in that YouTube video about Tower #7 actually understands architecture.
  • That MasterClass won’t make you a TV writer.
  • That male feminist just got accused of sexual harassment.
  • That 5-star review on Yelp is from the owner of the place.
  • Your feedback isn’t really appreciated.
  • Taco Bell doesn’t actually care about MLK Day.
  • That “teen” is 25.
  • That “cougar” is 26.
  • That “MILF” has no kids.
  • That “lesbian” is straight.
  • That “amateur” is a professional.

We all know it yet we keep playing along. We’ve collectively decided to live our lives inside a cauldron of bullshit. We’re willing participants in a Disneyfied, autotuned, feelgood, look-at-me, bragging-disguised-as-humility, holiday-family-newsletter clickbait catfish circlejerk mirage.

Why on earth would politicians or the media tell us the truth when we demonstrate every day that we prefer to live in a fantasy world?

OK, I gotta get back to “work” now. It’s tough being “CEO” of Rants Inc.

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