The Concept of Validation
To explain the concept, I guess its best to define in what context I take the word ‘validation’. Psychologically, validation can be defined as the recognition and acceptance of someone’s ideas, thoughts, actions, and behaviors. You need not have to agree with the idea or action completely and might reject a few points, but you still find it to be acceptable be it due to different circumstances, personal agenda or some other unforeseen reason.
The thing about validation is that it occurs at different levels. Since you, the reader, took time to check out an article written by me, it means you accept me as at least a half-decent writer. Liking the article means you accept I wrote a good article. When you mention how good a job someone did, it need not mean his/her work was fruitful. It can simply mean that you appreciate how much effort they put into the work.
Validation can be found in different aspects of our lives. You respect (or at least obey) your boss because of his higher authority. But what gives him that authority? The position is just a name. You do this because you have accepted him to be your higher up. You need not do it out of respect but other factors (salary) force you to validate his position. The minute you stop believing in his position, he is just as normal as you are, another human seeking validation to move forward. Of course, when you stop recognizing him as your boss, he stops accepting you as an employee, and you find yourself on the street opposite your former office recounting your mistakes.
Next question (welcome to class everyone). Why do we seek validation from others? Shouldn’t self-validation be enough? In a world where it is okay to be yourself, why do we change our faces to gain people’s approval?
Self-validation would be ideal because it means you are confident in your self and your work. You do not need anyone’s opinions because you know that no matter what they say, your work is good (need not be perfect, there is always room for self-improvement). But no matter what people believe, they feed off opinions (generally good comments). The guy who paints for himself will at some point fight the urge to show his work to someone. The public speaker who was sure she did a fantastic job, will go to bed thinking if her friends noticed the slip of a few words.
Maybe its human nature to doubt oneself. One reason for this might be due to our upbringing. As babies, we found joy within ourselves; we found it when strangers used to make weird faces for us. But, during our childhood, we introduce attempts to prove ourselves to our parents (be the golden child) and as we grow, to our different relationships (friends and romantic). We learn that different actions bring out different reactions from people. Taking the reactions into mind, we change our personality as we see fit for the particular group.
Another reason validation from others is preferred is because self-validation could also be mistaken as pure arrogance. You can believe that you are the best even if that’s not the case. People might distance themselves from you and you will still believe their approval doesn’t weigh the same as yours. The final score need not be accepted by you, but to everyone else, you lost the fight. You can continue believing that the score is wrong, but you will be alone if this venture goes on. And well, humans are social creatures.
Too much self-validation and you are separated from society; too much dependence on other’s validation and you won’t survive in society. The trick is to find balance.
Different factors play into your dependence on others. Extroverts tend to require more validation as they try to form a social image while introverts require validation only from their close relations. People with a difficult childhood try to avoid opinions more. Older people generally recognize the need to avoid unnecessary judgments while the younger generation is still learning their place in the world and depend more on outside opinions. It is not right to say you shouldn’t depend on other people’s opinions (as much as I like to), because the world wouldn’t progress if we do not build on each other’s strengths and weaknesses. People who don’t typically change for others find it harder to form relations. This need not be a bad thing as some people like to consider only a few friends and family as their world. It depends on what you define as an ideal lifestyle.
No matter what, validation from others will always be a part of your life. You could change the small quirks that make up your personality or choose to change only the parts that people can’t stand. Balancing your different faces is an inevitable task but it’s better than having a face you don’t even recognize. Just remember not to lose yourself when you try to be someone’s perfect version of you.
